A Very Merry Unbirthday to Me!

My favorite bar, filled with as many friends as I could cram into it. A might of food and drinking and ridiculous conversations and monopolizing the jukebox with bad singalongs until we closed the bar down. A fitting "end" to my long, slightly legendary drinking career. These are the things I long imagined and planned for when I would think about the day I'd finally hit the big "four-oh." This would have been the perfect year for it, too; my birthday is on a Saturday for the first time since I don't know when, and for the first time since 2018 there's no snow in the forecast. It would have made for an amazing birthday party.

But instead, well, we all know what this year is like. It may be 2021, but the 2020 environment isn't through with us yet. So instead of that long-imagined big bash, it'll be a quite night at home with my wife and our cats, my favorite dinner on the table and a show being binged on the TV, or maybe we'll splurge and make it a paid movie night. It might feel just like any other day in this long unending year where everyday feels exactly the same, might feel like more of an unbirthday than a birthday, but I'm not complaining, not really. A night in with our little family is wonderful. After the last year, between my own health scares and the pandemic, I know I'm far luckier than some to be able to celebrate a birthday at all. But still, after snow spoiled by birthday both last year and the year before, I haven't had a real full party since 2018, so I guess I'm having a hard time not dwelling a little, not feeling just a little down in the dumps.

If nothing else, though, I can remember that that party in 2018 was at my favorite bar, filled with friends closing the bar down, just like the party I described wanting this year. I can enjoy remembering that great night as I know I'll enjoy whatever my wife has planned for me tomorrow. We'll have a delicious dinner, watch something fun, cuddle with some adoring cats, and perhaps I'll drink a White Claw or two. Maybe for a bonus I'll watch some donations come in for the animal rescue fundraiser I'm doing on Facebook (yes, that's a hint; if turning forty doesn't deserve a gratuitous plug, I don't know what does... while I'm being gratuitous, if animal shelters aren't your thing but you'd still like to send me a little birthday wish, there's always my Ko-Fi link on the right!), and when it's all said and done I'm sure I'll remember this birthday just as fondly as any other.

Turning forty doesn't have to be that bad. And there's always forty-one to look forward to next year.

Happy New Year?

It's New Year's Eve again. We're all about to put 2020 behind us and step boldly, or, more likely, tentatively into 2021. I thought before we get to that, a little look back might be in order. While I wasn't blogging at all last year, I did write a little Facebook post last New Year's Eve. Here's what I had to say:  

"I personally cannot wait for the spectacularly shitty year that was 2019 to end. Losing Smitty. Dealing with all the new complications from having IBS. Having to choose to leave a pretty decent job because of those complications, and how I was flat out told I could never expect to be promoted because of them. The nightmare job hunting in New Jersey has been since then. The financial struggles and the arguments that go with them. Losing all faith in the idea of writing as anything more than a pipe dream. Copious unaffordable but unavoidable dental work. Yes, goodbye 2019. I will not miss you. 2020, please be better."  

Sixty-six days later I was in the ICU, and a week after that we went into a lockdown for a pandemic that hasn't ended yet. So, I think it's safe to say 2020 wasn't better, by any stretch of the imagination. Copious medical debt that I'm still struggling to find a way to pay even as some of it makes its way to collection agencies, continued unemployment, no social life at all... yeah, it's been a rough year. For everyone. No MCU content at all? Absolutely brutal. And let's be honest here, 2021 isn't likely to be much better, at least not until we're a good chunk of months into it. But that's not what I want to talk about today. Instead of focusing on this year's shitshow and how much of it will bleed into next year, I want to talk about the good things that came about this year, because there were some, as well as what there is to look forward to next year.  

So, let's see the good! Despite what initially started it off, I'm ending 2020 healthier than I've been in probably a decade. I've lost fifty-four pounds now. The cat we got towards the end of last year, Hannah, really blossomed into a full-blown member of the family this year, personality and all. I can't imagine how we'd have gotten through all the time stuck at home without her and George. And in a way, I'm thankful for all the forced time at home. After we adapted to it, it really led to a lot of fun memories. What else was good this year... well, The Mandalorian single-handedly saved Star Wars. I got my wife more into horror movies. I've started blogging again. Occasionally, anyway. I've gotten into Dungeons & Dragons with a fun group of people... over Zoom, of course, and am enjoying the creativity involved in being a Dungeon Master, coming up with my own stories to play out. It's the most creative I've been in a while now.  

Yes, 2020 did have its upsides. And while the pandemic and everything associated with it won't be magically disappearing once the clock strikes midnight, with the vaccinations beginning, there is an end on the horizon. Hopefully. There are things to look forward to in 2021. Reunions with family and friends. A return to the things we used to take for granted, with a new appreciation for how easily things can be taken from us. More new MCU content than you can shake a stick at! And of course, with the new year comes the resolutions. For my part, I have three:  

1.) To keep doing what I've been doing in terms of my health and weight; to continue managing my diabetes, to hopefully be taken off even more of my medications, and to hopefully lose another six pounds, dropping to an even 190lbs.  

2.) To read more. Without a word of lie, I used to read on average fifty books a year. This year I think I read three. I need to get back to reading more, for the joy it brings me, for the motivation it gives me to write more, to get back to myself in that regard. Which brings me to number three...  

3.) To find balance. I swear, only the wording of that is inspired by the Karate Kid marathon we've been doing this week before season three of Cobra Kai drops tomorrow. The truth it, much like a lot of people out there, this year has really thrown me for a loop. I've lost myself a bit. But it's not just this year, it's been longer than that, going back to at least last year, if not even longer. I need to find myself again, find whatever is missing, find... balance.  

I think that's enough rambling from me for now. It's time to go watch some Twilight Zone. I wish all of you out there a happier, healthier 2021! 

31 Days of Halloween: Week 4 - The Final Recap

Halloween has come and gone and the nightmare of Election Day is still upon us all. Seems like as good a time as any to see how the final week of our 31 Days of Halloween went, and recap the experiment as a while while we're at it!

The final week kicked off with the 2005 remake of The Amityville Horror on Day 24. I have fond memories of seeing this in the theater at about one in the morning with my heterosexual lifemate Chris, both of us sitting there in our hoodies with the hood pulled up over our heads because the movie was freaking us the fuck out. Thankfully, while I still enjoyed it this time around, it didn't have the same insomnia-inducing effect on me. Marisa said parts of this scared the crap out of her even though it was a slow burn, so that's a win.

The remake train continued on Day 25 with the 2003 version of Texas Chainsaw Massacre, another movie I saw in theaters with Chris that got to us so much that at one point fairly early in he tried to leave the theater. I just think this is a really effective remake. The wife thought this was just okay and since she has seen the sequel it wasn't that impressive.

We had to switch things up on Day 26; we were supposed to watch a movie called Emelie, but Netflix removed it sometime in October. At this point I had already used up all the alternates I had planned, so I scrambled a little before settling in a classic that had slipped my mind, Hellraiser. I still enjoyed it, despite how campy and over the top the acting is. Marisa liked some of the special effects, especially for its time, but the movie didn't do much for her.

For Day 27, we finished off the Welcome to the Blumhouse movies on Amazon Prime by watching Nocturne, which I thought was the best of the quartet by far. It has the scariest plot, the darkest ending, and the acting and production were both really good. Marisa really loved the musical aspects of this and thought it was a good movie.

Day 28 brought us to an actual Halloween movie, Halloween. Specifically, Rob Zombie's 2007 Halloween remake. I know, why didn't we just watch the original? I dunt know, I dunt really have a good answer for that other than that I have this on Blu-ray so it was the easy choice. I know not everyone agrees, but I enjoy this version, the backstory it gives, and it's focus on mental illness. This one got a thumbs up from Marisa overall, although she didn't like Zombie's oversexualized style.

So for Day 29 we finished up the Rob Zombie Halloween Duology with 2009's Halloween 2. I didn't like this one that much when I first saw it, but this time around, just a day after watching the first one, I liked it more and could better appreciate the themes running through both of them. Still not sold on the ending, though. Marisa liked the mental illness aspect of the story and the way it connected Michael Myers and Laurie Strode.

We got in one more new movie on Day 30, His House on Netflix starring Doctor Who's Matt Smith. I had to put a horror movie starring my favorite Doctor on the list, especially since Marisa's favorite was included in Fright Night. Unfortunately, his involvement in the movie was definitely oversold as he wasn't in it much and, while I liked the idea of what they were going for, the movie itself kind of bored me, although I did like the ending. This one was much of a bit with Marisa than it was with me, she thought it was an effective thriller overall with great twists.

That brings us to Day 31. Halloween. The main event, The Exorcist. A movie I've only seen once in my life because I was way too young and way too Catholic when I first saw it and it freaked me out like nothing else. Finally watching it again, I was underwhelmed. I don't know if it hasn't asked well or if I over-hyped it in my mind way too much, but for whatever reason it had no effect on me at all. I was a bit disappointed. Marisa however quite enjoyed it and thought it was freaky and scary as hell.

So there it is. I'll post the full list of what we watched below since it changed a bit from the original plan. Overall I enjoyed spending a month with daily horror, especially with my wife, exposing her to more types of horror and just horror in general. For what it's worth, out of all the movies and shows we watched, Marisa thought The Stuff was the worst, Haunting of Bly Manor was the best, and Nightmare on Elm Street was the scariest. And if nothing else, it got her more able to watch a horror movie in the dark!

What We Watched:

Trick 'r Treat

The Prophecy

The Strangers

Monsterland

The Stuff

The Lie (Welcome to the Blumhouse)

Books of Blood

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th Part 2

Haunting of Bly Major

The Final Girls

Black Box (Welcome to the Blumhouse)

The Monster

Hubie Happen

Would You Rather?

Leprechaun

Helstrom

Nightmare on Elm Street

Evil Eye (Welcome to the Blumhouse)

The Autopsy of Jane Doe

Malevolent

Fright Night (2011)

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Hellraiser

Nocturne (Welcome to the Blumhouse)

Halloween (2007)

Halloween 2 (2009)

His House

The Exorcist

The Regimen

So I realize since I've returned to blogging I've been kind of a two-trick pony; posts have either been about Halloween or my new life with diabetes. If you haven't been happy about that, well, this post will disappoint you, because it's another diabetes related post. But it's the last I have planned, I swear! I've talked previously about how sick I was, how I got my diagnosis, and how I've bounced back, and I've also talked about all the lasting damages I've had to deal with. When I talked about how I bounced back, I mentioned how my new diet has led to getting into better shape and a lot of weight loss; I've lost 48lbs now, and it's still doing, albeit more slowly. I've had plenty of people ask what I've been doing, so I thought I'd let you all in on a typical day and the things that I've changed to get where I am.

When I first wake up in the morning, I get a 12 ounce glad of water and take my first pills of the day, a Pantoprazole for GERD and acid reflux, and a multi-vitamin. I've been taking that pill for three years now, but the multivitamin is new, as is the glass of water. You'll see a theme here eventually.

A little while later I'll get ready for breakfast. First, I'll check my blood sugar, make sure things are normal. Normal for me in the morning is between 100-110. If it's in that range, I won't check again for the rest of the day; if it isn't normal, if it's high, I'll adjust my meal plan for the day and check again later. So after checking my blood sugar, I'll take my first Metformin pill of the day and have breakfast, usually a bowl of cereal with nuts for extra protein, or a yogurt, again with nuts. Sometimes it'll be waffles or pancakes, and I'll add a stick of string cheese after for protein. And sometimes it'll be a spinach and cheese omelet with toast, no addition needed. In any case, it'll be accompanied by another 12 ounce glass of water. I try to keep breakfast to somewhere between 30 to at most 40 grams of carbohydrates. I've never been a big breakfast person, so this alone is a big change.

A few hours later, it'll be lunch time. Lunch is usually a sandwich, either PB&J or cold cuts off we have any, with chips or crackers on the side, or sometimes some sort of frozen meal, again with chips or crackers on the side, depending on the carb count. I usually try to keep lunch to between 30 to 50 grams of carbs, bringing me to between 60 to 90 grams for the day so far, which is less than my daily maximum total. I also now take a Jardiance pill with lunch. And, like breakfast, lunch is washed down with a 12 ounce glass of water, and I'll usually get another glass after I'm done.

Sometimes after lunch my wife and I will go for a walk to get some exercise in, or I'll ride the stationary bike we bought a few months ago. I used to ride the bike more often, but it scares the hell out of George, which keeps me from doing it, as silly as that sounds. In any even, a walk or bike ride will be followed by another glass of water.

That brings us to dinner, which could be any number of things. It's almost always a combination of a protein, carb source, and vegetable. So it could be chicken or fish, or very, very rarely beef, with rice, pasta, mac'n'cheese, or sometimes fries, and there's usually kale or spinach, and more infrequently string beans or broccoli; usually it'll total anywhere between 40 to 60 grams of carbs, which will bring my daily total up to the 100 to 150 range, still well below the 180 max amount I'm allowed in a day. With dinner, I'll take another Metformin and an Atorvastatin. Dinner will also be accompanied by a can of soda... sugar free, of course. And dinner will be followed by dessert. Yes, I'm still allowed dessert! I usually have a good 30 to 50 grams of carbs allowed at that point, so there's absolutely nothing wrong with grabbing a pair of cookies, a few spoonfuls of ice cream, or a pack of peanut butter cups, as long as it's controlled. It's all about portion size, not taking in more carbs than my body can process, especially in one sitting.

Finally, an hour or two before bed, with the carbs I have left I'll grab a protein bar and another glass of water (for a total daily water intake of at least 60 ounces, sometimes 72 or even 84), a Lisinopril pill, and a protein bar. The protein bar is to make sure I have a few slow-processing carbs in my system close to bedtime to prevent hypoglycemia overnight, which could theoretically happen because of all the meds.

So there you have it, that's the regimen I've been following more or less since March. It's how I've gotten my diabetes under incredible control and how I've lost all the weight I have. It really all comes down to carb counting, portion control, and keeping things balanced. And of course, just like any diet, letting yourself cheat sometimes to keep yourself from falling off the wagon hard. That's why there's some Skittles waiting for me on Halloween!

31 Days of Halloween: Week 3 Recap

Time to recap the third week of the Halloween horror marathon my wife and I have been doing, so let's dive right in!

This week's update starts off with Day 17, where we watched the "classic" horror flick Leprechaun, starring a pre-Friends, pre-nose job Jennifer Aniston. I've always thought this while series was ludicrous but fun in some spots, including this one. Marisa thought this was silly and predictable, but fun for what it is.

For Day 18 the plan was to binge Helstrom, the new Marvel horror show on Hulu. We made it through two episodes before I couldn't take anymore and had to stop. Not because it was scaring me or anything, but because it was just so fucking dull. Marisa was enjoying it though and thinks it's more interesting than I do, so we'll finish it off at some point. It was basically cancelled before it ever aired so there will only ever be these ten episodes and I've watched every other Marvel show, regardless of quality, so why stop now. 

Day 19 brought us to I've of the big guns, A Nightmare on Elm Street. It's of course I've of my favorite classic horror movies. I was hoping this would be one of the ones that Marisa would actually enjoy, while also hoping it would scare her at least a bit. This one freaked Marisa out, so mission accomplished!

We went back to the Blumhouse on Amazon Prime for Day 20 and watched the third of their four new movies, Evil Eye. Much like the first two we watched, this wasn't scary, but I liked it best of the three so far, it had a more interesting plot, better acting, and actually wasn't boring. I think this is the first of this anthology that I liked more than my wife did; she liked that it focused on another culture and was interested in that aspect but that's about it.

I made an unscheduled change on Day 21. We were going to watch Rebecca, a new release on Netflix, but it's apparently not a horror at all and is also getting terrible reviews, so I subbed in the last of the alternates I had waiting, The Autopsy of Jane Doe, which I had never seen before. This was easily one of the best movies we've watched so far, and one of the creepiest. Great acting, great plot, fun effects, and a suitably chilling ending. Marisa found this one informative and educational, which I'm not sure was the point, but she liked that it was basically House with a demon corpse instead of a patient.

Day 22 was a movie called Malevolent, which was a pretty dull disappointment, honestly. I think I fell asleep at one point. The ending was pretty twisted, which was fun, but other than that it was a dud. This is another one Marisa liked more than me and liked the twist, which she did not see coming.

Lastly, Day 23 was the 2011 remake of Fright Night. I threw this on the list not because it's scary but because it's fun and I knew my wife would love the cast, especially David Tennant. As expected, she loved this one.

I'm not sure enough fear is being generated here so far, honestly. Hopefully this last run of movies will change that; we're starting off the final week with remakes of both The Amityville Horror and The Texas Chainsaw Massacre, ending up in Halloween day with The Exorcist. Yeah, there should be some scares coming up!

31 Days of Halloween: Week 2 Recap

Time for a quick recap of how the second week of our 31 Days of Halloween marathon is going. Does my wife like the movies? Is she losing sleep at night, worried about the monsters under the bed? Am I? Only one way to find out! Last week we recapped Days One through Eight, let's pick it up from there...

Both Days Nine and Ten were spent at Camp Crystal Lake. My wife had never seen Jason in action, but before we could get to Jason, we had to start at the beginning with Mrs. Voorhees in Friday the 13th on Day Nine. Then we watched Friday the 13th Part 2 on Day Ten. Boy, I'd forgotten how bad that one is. My wife enjoyed them both, liking how straightforward they were and how the survivor was always a girl (she had never heard of the "final girl" trope before). She does she that the first one is better than the second one.

Day Eleven was meant to be spent at Bly Manor, but I had only gotten about four hours of sleep the night before and wasn't up for a nine hour binge, so we flipped the schedule and watched The Final Girls, which was also fitting given Marisa's introduction to the trope over the last two days. I had never seen this one anything it had long been on my list, and I wasn't disappointed. It was clever and a lot of fun, an affectionate spoof/tribute to the slasher genre. My wife thought it was really funny but very predictable and said it wasn't scary say all but she liked how it brought more heart than usual to the slasher genre.

We finally got to watch The Haunting of Bly Manor on Day Twelve. I had been looking forward to this ever since The Haunting of Hill House blew my mind, and I was not disappointed. It's very different than Hill House, more of a slow burn; it might not grab you right away but stick with it, it's worth it. The cast is great, full of talent and chemistry. It's creepy more than scary in a very gothic way. It's hard to say anything more without spoiling things, but I definitely recommend it. Marisa loved this one by the time it was over, but I had to push her through the first few slow episodes. She very much loved the narrative structure and the ending and thought it was very well done overall. We were both just a little disappointed that it wasn't as scary as Hill House but loved it as it's own thing.

For Day Thirteen, we watched Black Box, the second of the four Welcome to the Blumhouse movies on Amazon Prime. This one was moderately better than The Lie, with Sam interesting concept, but the execution didn't live up to that concept and it wasn't scary at all, just a creepy moment here and there. I'm really hoping for more from the two remaining installments. My wife agreed that the premise was interesting and liked it more than I did, even though it was more of a mystery/thriller than horror.

We had to change things up again on Day Fourteen; we were supposed to watch 1408 but I couldn't find it streaming for free anywhere so I swapped on one of our alternates, The Monster. This was a fairly gripping, gritty movie about a mother and her young daughter who have a very fractured relationship, stranded in their car in the woods under attack by a monster. I enjoyed it a lot, although aside from the emotional content it was pretty by the numbers. Marisa thought this was an interesting movie, mostly good but not scary. She wished there was a little more to the fairly abrupt ending and liked the relationship and growth between the characters.

The plan for Day Fifteen, the halfway point, was to break up the horror with a little bit of stupid comedy. Even though things haven't been as scary as we hoped, we stuck to the plan and watched Adam Sandler's new Netflix movie, Hubie Halloween. And boy, did we get stupid comedy. It's stupid as hell, but it's also hysterical, and the twist actually psyched me out a bit. My wife really liked this one, she liked the cast, the gags, and said it's just a really fun Halloween movie, and I have to agree.

Lastly, on Day Sixteen we had to change the schedule again. We were supposed to watch Love and Monsters, the new video on demand release, but that just wasn't in the budget. So I went to the alternates again (only one alternate left now so hopefully things go smoothly from here!) and we watched Would You Rather, a slightly torture porn-ish flick I'd seen before and it's pretty good overall. Marisa didn't like this one; she didn't like any of the characters and thought they were all just stupid, so she was sort of rooting for them all to die, which just isn't good.

That brings us up to date. Later today we'll be watching Leprechaun, and tomorrow we're going to binge the new Marvel show on Hulu, Helstrom, which was meant to kick off a Marvel Horror line before things changed. I'll have another update for you at the end of the week! In the meantime, are there any horror flicks you've been watching to get into the season? Drop a comment, let's talk about it!

Damages

In my return to blogging a few weeks ago, I talked about my diabetes diagnosis and how recovery has been going. I mentioned the tapering off my medications, the weight loss, and how good my blood sugar levels have been. All of that is still true: I'm off insulin and managing things through meds alone; I've lost forty-six pounds now; my average blood sugar over the last month is 103, over the last two weeks is 98, and my a1c at my last checkup was 4.8. In a lot of ways, I'm healthier than I've been in almost a decade, and feel better than I have in maybe longer than that.

Despite all that though, there are damages.

Being in diabetic ketoacidosis as long as I was caused permanent nerve damage in my hands and feet. Nothing extensive or severe, but I'll get pains in my hands and feet occasionally, especially my feet, sometimes for days at a time before it just vanishes. My hands same feet will also "fall asleep" faster than they used to, and once they go numb it'll take longer than it used to for that to pass.

I also get unpleasant sensations in my chest now. I say sensations because it isn't pain, but I'll feel a throb sometimes, or a dull ache, or some warmth or something, and it isn't like localized to one place. Don't worry, it's been checked out, it's fine; I'm told it's partly due to interactions between the five different meds I'm on now and partly due to the fact that it takes me longer to digest food now because the nerves in my stomach are damaged, and that sometimes doesn't mesh well with my acid reflux.

I'm also dealing with diabetic retinopathy. There's been some damage to the blood vessels in my eyes, which has affected my vision. Things are blurrier than they used to be, especially at a distance. I can stay very easily, very clearly watch TV without a problem of I'm sitting on the couch, but if there's any subtitles or other words on the screen, I can't read them. To use the program guide, I have to get up and stand in front of the TV to see it clearly. I can't get treated for it right now either; I'm on my wife's employer-provided vision plan, but apparently treating this is covered by health insurance, not vision. Go figure. Again, it's not something serious, I'm still good and functional, but yes, there are damages.

That segues pretty well into another big set of damages, the financial damages. Fifteen thousand dollars in hospital bills, a few of which I'm disputing, some I just have to pay, with monthly minimum payments of almost five hundred bucks. Which made as well be a million, they're both equally possible. It's pushed me to start a ko-fi page, linked to this blog on the right there, to ask for help. It kills my pride to have to do that, and I can barely bring myself to actually share the link to that anywhere, but there it is.

Then there are the medications. As I mentioned, I'm on five of them now, and they all have side effects. The big one is that metformin, my main diabetes drug, can (and does) cause diarrhea, which makes it a hell of a thing to have to take twice a day when you also have IBS, let's just leave it at that. In addition to that, every single one of my meds lists dizziness, drowsiness, and lightheadedness as side effects, so as you can probably imagine, I'm dizzy, drowsy, and lightheaded. A lot.

Maybe the most extensive damage of all, though, has been psychological. Other than the usual ways everyone gets sick, I've never been sick before. And except for some sprains, twists, and a deep cut that needed stitches when I was a kid, I've never been injured. So to suddenly find myself laid up in a hospital bed, attached to two different machines and three separate IVs in the ICU, being told by nurses I was probably a day or two away from being on a coma? And to then find out my new condition makes me a prime vulnerable target for the pandemic that was about to take over the country? Yeah, there's been some serious mental damage from that. I've been scared constantly. I'm fighting it and it's starting to fade a little finally, but that fear, that new dreadful sense of mortality laying in that hospital for five days have me, is very much still there.

Yes. I'm doing a lot better than I was.

But there are damages.