Your Online Dating Profile and What You're Doing Wrong: A Guide for Women

Spoiler: This has nothing to do with any of the following, but I had to; new Doctor Who is just five days away!

I've been doing the whole online dating thing off and on for almost seven years now, pretty exclusively on OKCupid because it's free, with varying degrees of success (read: none). Over the course of those years, I've understandably come across some things in women's profiles that seem to me to be counterproductive at best and downright alienating and annoying at worst, and I've decided to share some of them with you here either so we can commiserate if you're a guy like me, or perhaps educate, if you're one of the annoying females in question. And yes, before someone says it, I realize guys might make the exact same mistakes... but as I'm a heterosexual male with no reason to ever look at another guy's profile, well, I have no idea.

The other complaint I foresee here is that some of this might sound a little, well, shallow. And it will. Anyone who has ever really talked to me will tell you that I am in no way all about appearances; the women I've been interested in have crossed all shapes and sizes, and I've had to defend a few of them against some pretty nasty remarks from other people. I was attracted to them for who they were, and in that regard the outside didn't matter all that much at all. That being said, everyone is at least a little shallow, and if my first thought whenever I look at you is, "What sin did you commit in a past life to be stuck with those genes?" it probably isn't going to work. Appearance isn't everything, but... I need to know what you look like.

That brings us to the first set of faux pas I see women commit, and these ones involve pictures. If all your pictures... or your only picture, for that matter... is either close-ups of your hand or whatever doing something artistic, or a faraway shot of you doing something adventurous, you're making a mistake. Yes, both artistic and adventurous are good qualities. Hell, artistic, for me, is a major turn-on. But in neither of those pictures can I see what you look like. I need to know what you look like.

This = fail. I like that you read. But who are you. Are you even a woman?

Also, ladies, I understand that you have friends and you love them and you take pictures of them. But if everyone one of your pictures is of four or five different women, and nowhere in any of them do you say which one is you? Well, let's look at the wrong way...

Me and my girls!

Uh-huh, you and your girls. And you're who, again?

And now the right way...

Me and my girls. I'm in the middle!

I see, you're the one in the middle! Much better!

And in this case, you're also Kaley Cuoco and you really should return my message.

That's all for pictures, but while we're on the subject of looks, let's tackle the profiles question where it asks what people first notice about you. I'm sure you have a wonderful personality and you're very witty and very giving, but unless you live in a colony of blind people, that is not what people first notice about you. It might be what people love most about you, but what people first notice is going to be a physical quality. No way around that, if we have eyes, we see, and in most cases we see before we hear or feel. So... try being honest and talking about your eyes. Or your hair. Or your unique fashion sense.

Or if you really want to be honest, your boobs and your butt.

Moving on, there's a section on the site where it asks about your favorite books, movies, television shows, and food, and I routinely see answers along the lines of, "I don't want to answer this because I want us to have something to talk about when we meet." Now, I understand wanting to make sure there are things to talk about when you first meet someone from the internet, because that can be awkward. However, how am I supposed to know if I want to meet you if I don't know about what you like and what we might have in common? Seriously, think about it. You're supposed to be using your profile to sell yourself, right? A mystery doesn't sell. You don't have to list every single thing you like, but I'm much more likely to want to talk to someone if I see we at least have SOME common interests.

And don't just fake it and say you like Game of Thrones, Walking Dead, and Breaking Bad. Put a little effort into it... if you can't put a little effort into something like that, how much effort should I expect out of you in other areas?

Lastly, and honestly this might be my biggest pet peeve when it comes to OKC profiles, when it asks you about the most private thing you're willing to admit? "That I'm on this site" is not an acceptable response. Not only is it a weak cop out, but I'm reading your profile! I already know you're on the damn site! I'm not saying you need to bare your friggin' soul and air out your childhood traumas, but put yourself out there a little!

There's a common theme here, you might have noticed. Hiding in pictures, vague, non-informative answers to the questions... see the problem? I said three paragraphs ago that you're supposed to be using your profile to sell yourself, to make me want to message you instead of the hundreds of other women out there. But if you're not selling, if you're not putting yourself out there, well, I have to figure there's a reason why, and if that's the case, then I'm not buying.