Mets Monday, Vol. 4

Baseball is a funny, fickle game. A lot can change in a week. For example, after being in a good place at the time of last Monday's column, the Mets lost six out of seven games, including the first time in team history they were swept by the Marlins in a four game series. That's the Mets for ya, we make the worst kind of history. Now they're in the NL East's basement. So what are the problems?

The most obvious one right now is the rotation. Apparently, there hasn't been a win picked up by one of the starters in something like fifteen games now. That is not a recipe for success. It is also, I think, related pretty damn directly to the fact that the starters get seem to lost longer than six innings, at best, which in turn is directly related to why the bullpen has been shakier lately, since they're always working. And now the pitching situation is even worse since there are only three starters right now, what with Niese missing his next start and Ollie moved into the pen. Speaking of which, would anybody else be totally fine if Ollie just sat out in the pen so long moss started to grow on his ass? I mean really, who wants to see him coming into a close game in the sixth or seventh inning? The only acceptable time to ever bring him into a game is when its such a ridiculous blowout that most people have left the stadium and everyone at home has stopped watching already. Then you can let him eat all the innings you want.

The other problem is the offense, which really seems to be a walking paradox. So many players on the team, particularly the guys who would be considered the big bats, aren't just slumping, they're slumping in an ugly way. And yet, this is a Mets team that never seems to be out of games. Even in yesterday's mess of a game, when they were down 7-0 at one point, they came back and scored six runs! Then, when the pen gave up another three runs, the Mets came back and scored two. Sure, it wasn't enough to win, but the heart is there. Although as David Wright said something similar to this, the heart is nice to see, but it isn't helping in the win-loss columns. David himself really does illustrate the contradictions of this team: he's hitting .278 with 8 HRs, 28 walks, an OBP of .400 and an SLG of .534; but he's also only got 37 hits, 26 RBI, and a ridiculous fifty-one strikeouts. Fifty-one! David right now is a walking conundrum.

And so are the Mets as a whole. Sure, losing streaks happen. The baseball gods are finicky and luck is a bitch. There's still plenty of time, though. If they can get the pitching back on track, if the guys can get into some hot streaks at the plate... who knows?

Like I said before, a lot can change in a week.

The Week's Best, for the week of 5-10-10 to 5-16-10

I hate season finale time. I mean I love it, because generally finale episodes are the some of the better ones of the season, but I hate it, because soon there will be nothing on to watch. Sure, there will be a few good Summer replacement shows and whatnot, but those are usually few and far between. I'm going to have to think of a way to change this column around once everything wraps for the season, otherwise True Blood will just end up winning every week. I'm at the drawing board on that, don't worry.

The Week's Best TV Show Runner-Up - The Vampire Diaries Ep 1x22, "Founder's Day"

Boy, this show sure isn't shy about killing people off, is it? People have died left and right through the season, and on this episode alone, three fairly major characters died for sure, with another one possible, and yet another one in the hospital, and we don't know if she's conscious or not. Add to that the fairly jaw-dropping last few moments and the cliffhanger it left off on, and this is definitely one of the shows I'll be most looking forward to when it returns in September.

The Week's Best TV Show Winner - Supernatural Ep 5x22, "Swan Song"

This one really had it all. The apocalypse? Check. The final battle between Lucifer and Michael? Check. Sacrifice and death? Check? Deeply emotional character moments? Check. The final revelation of the presence of God in the series? It's debatable, but I think that's a check. I'm going to hold off on giving too many of my thoughts about how this functions as a season finale for now because of something I plan on writing in a few weeks, but I will say that this was an hour of great television that paid off on a lot of things fans have been waiting for since early in the show's existence, and it was worth the wait.

The Week's Best Comic Book Runner-Up - New Avengers Finale

A good seven or so years ago, Brian Bendis took over the Avengers and wrote a four part story that ended the 500-plus issue series. Not long after that, he started New Avengers, a series that lasted 65 issues and was the core book of Marvel's line, the backbone of events like House of M, Civil War, Secret Invasion, and the just concluded Siege. Now, with the Marvel Universe entering a new "Heroic Age," Bendis wraps up New Avengers with a story that ties up the long-running Hood plot line and finally sees this team pardoned and no longer operating illegally. Bendis' writing is great, as he really has the team dynamics down, and his Luke Cage, as always, especially shines. The art by Bryan Hitch excels at making the heroes look, well, heroic, but the real treat is the splash pages at the end, recapturing some of the many great moments of this series; it's definitely a fitting finale. Of course, New Avengers Vol. 2 #1 is just a few short weeks away...

The Week's Best Comic Book Winner - Ultimate Comics Spider-Man #10

In the first edition of this column, I said this title would probably end up showing up here a lot, and here it is for the second month in a row. Bendis gets both slots in this week's column, as this second part in the story of Kitty Pryde being kicked out of school because it's illegal to be a mutant really picks up the pace and hits home runs left and right; from Kong's defense of Kitty to Peter, Bobby, and Johnny's forced lack of defense of her, the scenes in school are pitch-perfect, especially the panels of nothing but Kitty's face, framed in tears. The scene where the principal quit, while heavy in exposition, was powerful as well. The issue is stolen, though, by the action sequence of Kitty on a rampage, defending herself from the government in front of her home, and kicking the crap out of her friends because they did nothing to help her. The fantastic dialogue lets us know that Kitty knows they couldn't have done anything, but she's so full of anger and frustration, and, considering everything this character has been through, it's understandable. The whole thing culminates with her hiding in a sewer in tears. It's touching and powerful, and the last page cliffhanger could either help Kitty's situation... or make things ridiculously worse. I can't wait to find out which.

The Joy of Comics - Spider-Man: Blue

Like every good comic book fan, I have a list of my favorite stories of all time. Things like The Phoenix Saga, The Killing Joke, and Kraven's Last Hunt, to name a few. One in particular that I have loved since reading the first issue (of six) in July of 2002 is Spider-Man: Blue.

It is written by Jeph Loeb, with art by Tim Sale, and is part of their "Color Series" (prior to Spider-Man: Blue, the two had worked together on Daredevil: Yellow and Hulk: Gray, and Captain America: White should be coming out very soon; prior to their Marvel collaborations, this team received huge amounts of praise for their DC work, specifically Batman: The Long Halloween and Superman For All Seasons). The story they're telling here is set very early in Spidey's life, going back to the period of time around Amazing Spider-Man #50, when Stan Lee was writing the book. When the story opens in the first issue, present day Spider-Man is swinging through the night air, and the dialogue boxes are his; he's narrating this story into a tape recorder, and he tells us that it's Valentine's Day, and that on this day every year he leaves a rose on the infamous bridge. He's feeling blue (hence the title, right?) and that's why he's using the tape recorder: he's talking to Gwen Stacy.

After we're told that, the flashback hits, and the real story begins. Obviously, emotions are going to be at the heart of this story, but, lest you think there isn't any action, over the course of the six issues, Spidey fights the Green Goblin, the Rhino, The Lizard, two different Vultures, and Kraven the Hunter. As good as all the ass-kicking is, though, make no mistake, this is the story of how Peter Parker and Gwen Stacy fell in love. Or, I should say, how Gwen fell in love with him. He already loves her when the story starts, but from afar. She spends her time with guys like Flash Thompson and Harry Osborn, who Peter is not friends with at all. Over the course of the first and second issue, though, things start to change. Gwen and Peter become lab partners in one of their college classes, and she begins seeing things in him that other people don't. It's a blissfully slow process, but they start getting closer. They even make plans for their first date, but, the Parker luck being what it is, as he's about to leave for the date, there's a knock on the door, and, well, it's not one of the most famous lines in comics for nothing: "Face it, Tiger, you just hit the jackpot."

This isn't the same Mary Jane that Peter eventually marries, though. This is the wild party girl Mary Jane who just dominates every situation she's put in and sweeps people up in her wake. She even manages to get Peter to take her to where Gwen is hanging out with Flash and Harry. Yes, Peter Parker is kind of a moron. But even with MJ there, Peter is still drawn to Gwen. No matter what Mary Jane does, Gwen is always on Peter's mind, she's always who his eyes are drawn to. A lot of what happens in the series is about the two of them almost playing tug-of-war with him, which is made even easier once Peter moves in with Harry. All this prompts Flash to ask, "What's so special about Puny Parker anyway?" MJ and Gwen basically reduce Flash into a quivering mass as they explain that when it comes to Peter Parker, he's no comparison at all.

Mary Jane and Gwen's rivalry really comes to a head when Peter is sick in bed after getting his head handed to him by the Vulture. MJ comes to see him in her sexy little dress with some homemade soup from her aunt. Gwen shows up two minutes later, dressed demurely and with a copy of The Adventures of Huckleberry Finn in hand. When Peter mentions Uncle Ben used to read that to him when he was sick, Gwen confesses that she went to see Aunt May and asked her what would be something great she could do to make Peter feel better. Now, MJ might be the hottest chick in the cave, but Gwen... well, Gwen was special. Gwen was the girl you married, provided your arch-enemy/father of your best friend doesn't throw her off a bridge. Naturally, as the two loves of his life are fawning over him, he has to see the Vulture flying past his window, so he has to make a hasty retreat and beat feet. Or beat webs. Whatever.

Early in the final issue, it's Valentine's Day in the flashback story as well, and Peter has a card waiting for him, with no name or anything attached. Later on in the issue, after he bounced Kraven around for awhile, Peter is in his room when there's a knock on his door, and it's Gwen. She sees the card, and asks him if he's read it, and if he knows who it's from. Peter, once again showing that he's a moron, says no. Gwen looks at him, and, in a ridiculously cute panel that I can't find online, simply says, "Peter, will you be my valentine?" and they kiss. The text boxes of present day Peter say "That's when you had me, Gwen Stacy, all of me."

The entire series is filled with touching moments, from the cute courtship scenes and the blossoming romance to the bittersweet narration; Peter's thoughts inevitably find their way back to the fact that he failed to save Gwen, and every time they go there, his pain is palpable. Fittingly, of course, the most touching moment comes at the end of the final issue. After the kiss between Gwen and Peter, the flashback ends, and we see Peter sitting up in his attic with the tape recorder. He tells Gwen that, on the night of her funeral, MJ came to see him, and he was awful to her, because he wasn't up for her "life of the party" stuff. He says that Mary Jane changed that night; she learned that life wasn't always a party and bad things could happen, and without learning that she could never have been in a relationship with him. But because she did change, when he needed to learn how to love again, she taught him how. It's at this point that MJ says his name and he realizes she's been there listening. I guess "wife listening to me record a love letter to my dead first love" didn't set off his spider-sense for some reason. She isn't mad, though. She says, "Will you do me a favor, Peter? Say 'hello' for me... and tell Gwen I miss her, too." It's a testament to how far MJ has come and how strong their relationship is (as I fight off the urge to go on a rant about how badly Marvel has ruined that), and also a testament to how special Gwen Stacy was. And that's what this book is really all about, why it's such a special series to me. It's about Gwen Stacy and Peter Parker and Mary Jane Watson. It's about love, life, and loss. It's so spectacularly done, from the beautiful art to the real, heartfelt emotions in the writing. This story... well, it can best be summed up by what Peter says to Gwen as the story closes: "I guess when I try to sum up how I get -- how I feel sometimes around this time of year... I feel blue. Not like I've been dipped in with the Tidy Bowl Man, but like in music, in jazz... in feeling blue. And I long for a time when a girl I knew with an incredible smile and so much good in her heart made me think... life can be great."

Mets Monday, Vol. 3

It's been a so-so week for the Mets. Literally. After losing a series to the Reds 2-1 to end a disappointing 2-4 road trip, the team opened a home-stand with a series against the Giants, winning it 2-1. So over the week, they were 3-3. Not bad. Not good, either. Still, as the team with the best at-home record in baseball opens up a set with the Nationals, there's plenty of things to feel good about. There is, however, one thing in this humble blogger's opinion to not feel good about.

Oliver Perez.

I know at least one person who is going to come here and argue this with me, but the fact is that Olllie just isn't worth it. Sure, he's shown flashes of brilliance before; thing is, you get five flashes a season. The rest of the time, he's barely tolerable. Now I know, even the greatest pitchers have bad days. The thing is, when Ollie is bad, he's not even bad long enough for it to be considered a day! Take yesterday's game, for example. Ollie threw 98 pitches (only 44 of them for strikes, by the way), gave up 4 runs and 2 hits, struck out 2 batters, threw a wild pitch, walked 7 men, and beaned a guy, and all that only took him 3.1 innings! Granted, 2 hits is good. You could even stomach 4 runs, and some of the other numbers, if it had happened over, say, 6 or 7 innings... but this wasn't even 4! So aside from being horrible on a day when, against a guy like Lincecum, he needed to be brilliant, he also leaves early and leaves a ridiculous amount of work for a bullpen that is already used far too often. Perpetual Pedro and Nightly Nieve, indeed.

I think what irks me most about Ollie, though, are the excuses. It's always something with him. usually its, "There's something wrong with his mechanics." To that, I say, "You're in the big leagues. Figure it out, or you don't deserve to be here." Yesterday, the excuse was the weather, that is was too cold and windy to him. You know what I say to that?

Quit the bush league excuses and man the fuck up.

Seriously. I mean, yes, I know the weather is a factor, and cold and windy isn't helpful. But, you know, Lincecum was pitching in the exact same weather, and what was his day like? 2 runs allowed over 7 hits, only 2 walks, 8 strikeouts, and that was spread out over 6 innings. Now, I know Ollie's no Lincecum, but come on.

It probably wouldn't be so bad if it was still last season and the team was already fading into irrelevance, but it isn't. This is a team that has been getting consistently solid starts out of three of it's starters, with a fourth starter making strides back to consistency in his last two starts. It's a team with a pretty damn dependable bullpen and solid defense. Sure the offense isn't where you'd ideally like it to be, but it's an exciting club that has been able to stay in games up until the last at-bat with ridiculous frequency. Momentum is a powerful thing in baseball, and a team like this, with the right amount of momentum, could do great things. Problem is, momentum is hard to come by when you know you have a better-than-fifty-fifty chance of losing every fifth day. It really is time for Ollie to either shape up or get shipped the fuck out. No more excuses.

Unless he wants to blame things on his stupid facial hair...

The Week's Best, for the week of 5-3-10 to 5-9-10

Before I get into the winners this week, I just want to mention that this was a tough week on the TV side. So many shows put out great episodes this week, including V, The Vampire Diaries, and Supernatural, but none of them won the top spot. Maybe next week. Anyway, here are this week's winners.

The Week's Best TV Show Runner-Up - FlashForward Ep 1x18, "Course Correction"This show is without a doubt the most botched show of the television season. The original show schedule called for the episode of the date the whole world briefly flash-forwarded to, April 29th, to air on Thursday, April 29th, giving the show a nice synergy with the real world. However, ABC decided to put the show on hiatus from Dec. 3rd to March 18th, so now that April 29th date won't occur until May 27th. That hiatus also blew the head of steam the show had built up. This episode, however, dealt with what the show is really about; questions of fate and free will, and can you really escape your destiny? It was a very thought-provoking hour that showed what this show could have been if it ever lived up to its potential on a consistent basis.

The Week's Best TV Show Winner - Glee Ep 1x17, "Bad Reputation"I don't even care about the plot or the dialogue this week, although I'm sure they were as good as usually are on this show. No, this show wins just for having "U Can't Touch This," "Ice, Ice, Baby," and "Total Eclipse of the Heart" all in the same episode. That is just pure win.

The Week's Best Comic Book Runner-Up - Stephen King's N. #3This adaption of one of King's short story, fantastically written by Marc Guggenheim and beautifully illustrated by Alex Maleev, is a fascinating psychological thriller that is totally gripping and more than a bit terrifying. I can't wait for the conclusion next month.

The Week's Best Comic Book Winner - Amazing Spider-Man #630"Shed," the last chapter of the nearly year-long "Gauntlet" storyline, begins here. This opening part is light on action, which is fine, because writer Zeb Wells shines on characterization here. Between Spider-Man's unique relationship with the Black Cat, Peter Parker's growing relationship with Carlie Cooper, and his relationships with best friend Harry Osborn and the changing Aunt May, the dialogue really sings. The most interesting part is the inner thoughts of Dr. Curt Connors as the Lizard inside him tries to influence his thoughts and take control. On the art side, Chris Bachalo's style, which is usually a great fit for Spider-Man, works even better than usual here. Just a great issue all the way around.

Retroblog: "Show me your ass, you right Irish bitch!"

As promised, here's on old blog from my Myspace days about a crazy bar night, originally published on October 4th, 2006.

This is a story of the adventure that was Saturday night for my group of hooligans.

We were to begin meeting at O'Keefe's at 7:30 p.m. I arrived at 8:15... and at forty-five minutes late, I was still the first one there. So I greet Irish Nick, our oh-so-friendly bartender, have my first drink, and settle down to wait while watching the Met game. Ten or so minutes later, Jabba T. Black arrives, followed by Marc "the Thai man-boy" Pongpamorn. They seat themselves, and the party begins. A few minutes later, Ray-"Fred"-I-can't-spell-his-last-name comes in, and the party really starts. Marc asks if the Mets are really winning nine to nothing.

I say, "No, you walking void, it's a blurry zero."

I was wrong, it was nine-nothing. But still, I got to call Marc a walking void. Marc, for the record, was on his fourth drink by the time I was halfway done with my second. So Marc was drunk, and we spent the rest of the time grabbing him and throwing him into chairs so he wouldn't stumble into people, and giving him water in an attempt to sober him up.

Eventually we have dinner, and halfway through that, approximately an hour and a half after the whole affair began, Nicholas "Mojo" Joseph Joseph Healey comes in with his date, a girl named either Sharon or Shannon from what I'm told, I honestly can't remember which. Thankfully, because he had work at 8 the next morning, Marc left at 10:30, so the rest of us could really have fun

The next few hours were spent playing songs on the jukebox, drinking, and making fun of Nick, both inadvertently and advertently. That is, until about 1:30 a.m. or so rolled around.

Then things got interesting.

Some stragglers from a wedding reception strolled in. We all know what wedding receptions mean, folks. Open bars. Which might explain why one of them mysteriously had a protest sign about oil for Iraqi's or something. Yes, these people were TOASTED. So toasted, in fact, that Irish Nick asked us what it felt to actually not be the most drunk people at the bar.

Har-de-har-har.

Anyway, this group of three relatively hot older women and their men proceeded to make the bar into a three-ring circus, complete with someone who could limbo with a beer bottle balanced on her head.

Yes, they limboed.

So did Ray.

I'll let that thought marinate for a minute.

Then Ray did the Carlton dance to Tom Jones, and me and him repeated our performance of the MC Hammer typewriter dance.

Then the wedding people made everyone line up and dance. Yes, one of them got Jabba to dance. Again, let it marinate.

Then the moshers came in. I'm not even going into that one.

Eventually, at around 3 a.m., the bar closed. We stayed and chilled, drinking sodas and stuff, because, well, we got it like that. And one of the women stayed; apparently it was also her INCREDIBLY drunk boyfriend's birthday. So she decided to dance for him... on top of the bar. She hoisted herself up there, which was impressive considering how bombed she was, and proceeded to dance for him, going so far as to show the entire bar her ass.

Which prompted Irish Nick to yell as he's counting his amazingly high tip from us, "Yeah, show me that ass, you right Irish bitch!"

Which led the woman to eventually start singing songs about the IRA.

Irish Nick threw everyone out at 3:30 a.m., asking if anyone wanted to go to another bar with him. We declined; I think those last two people from the wedding party went with him.

Nick and Shanron left, which left me and Jabba, both relatively sober, with a highly drunken Ray, to walk to the bus stops. During the course of this trip:

- Ray knocked the mailbox over again.

- Ray annoyed Jabba, who knocked Ray into a police barricade, which promptly fell onto a car.

- Ray knocked over one of those free newspaper stands.

- Ray knocked over another police barricade.

- Ray knocked a caution light off of a construction barrier, which was promptly run over by a car.

We debated getting some breakfast, cuz we were hungry sumbitches, but Happy Days was all the way in the other direction, so we went home.

And the best part was, no hangover the next day, because I wasn't really drunk. Just buzzed and tired. It was definitely one hell of a night...

Wonder what we can do to top it at the birthday party this weekend...

Yes, that night was legendary.

Since its Star Wars Day...

See more funny videos and funny pictures at CollegeHumor.

That is all.