31 Days of Halloween: Week 1 Recap

We've reached the end of the first week of the 31 Days of Halloween experiment my wife and I are doing, designed to broaden her horror movie experiences and provide me entertainment for a month, and spoken about at length here. I thought it would make sense to check in every week and let whoever might be interested know how it's going, what we liked and didn't like, and so forth.

We kicked the marathon off on Day One with one of my favorite horror movies Trick 'r Treat, one of my favorite horror movies and one that my wife likes as well. Despite the fact that we've both seen it before, I wanted to start things off on a good note with something we'd both enjoy before getting into the unsorted mixed bag of nuts the rest of the month will be.

For Day Two we watched The Prophecy, one of my favorite Christopher Walken movies. It's been quite a while since I've seen this and... it hasn't aged well. Walken is still amazing in it as a crazy, evil angel, and Viggo Mortensen pops up with a very chilling performance as Lucifer, but the movie itself is more than a little ridiculous and poorly done otherwise. My wife thought this was just okay; it was a little too biblical and dated for her, and not really a horror movie at all in her opinion.

We watched The Strangers on Day Three. This flick made the list because we watched the sequel, The Strangers: Prey at Night, a few weeks ago and it was really, really bad; I had remembered watching this one in theaters and it was way better, so I thought my wife should give it a try. My wife enjoyed this one and found it pretty creepy, especially how it's loosely based on true events.

Day Four brought us to our first TV show binge of the marathon, Hulu's new show Monsterland, which I reviewed earlier this week here. Much like in my review, my wife only liked a few episodes, specifically the first, third, and eighth. She also agreed that there needed to be more monsters actually involved.

There's a movie from the mid-eighties on Amazon Prime called The Stuff, which is what we watched on Day Five. It was recommended to us by two friends of mine on Twitter, and I have to tell you I have no idea why. This movie was just laughably bad. Low-budget, horribly acted, and just utterly ridiculous. Although, Garret Morris was in it playing Chocolate Chip Charlie, who's hands were lethal weapons, so it wasn't a total loss. I asked my wife what she thought about this and she just groaned at me.

We stayed on Amazon Prime for Day Six, watching a new movie called The Lie, which is the first in Prime's new "Welcome to the Blumhouse" series of movies all produced by, duh, Blumhouse. I wasn't too impressed by this movie throughout most of its running time, finding it kind of dull and overwrought, but there's a twist on the end that really changed things up for me a bit. We both agreed that the acting was pretty good, but the plot was pretty flawed, but disagreed about the twist; she liked it a lot less than I did.

For Day Seven we switched back to Hulu for another new movie, Books of Blood, based on the old John Carpenter series. The movie is set up as a three-chapter anthology, and the first chapter is both the longest and by far the strongest. Honestly, the movie itself would have been much better if that chapter had been fleshed out and turned into the entire movie, but the other two chapters have a narrative purpose as framing devices so I understand why they did what they did. It makes even more sense when you learn this project was initially developed as a TV series and not a movie. My wife liked the anthology aspect, especially how the stories were all connected, but thought the other two stories needed more time. She also agreed the first story should have been its own thing, because there's a lot to unpack in that one.

Finally, for Day Eight last night we watched the 2004 version of Dawn of the Dead, one of my favorite zombie movies and also one of the only Zack Snyder movies I enjoy (please don't come at me, Snyderbros, my dislike of his movies takes nothing away from your enjoyment whatsoever and I'm not here to bash anything). My wife really liked this one, especially the characterization, some of the techniques used to tell the story, and the zombie baby idea. She also complained there was too much violence... but hey, it's zombies.

It's Friday, and this should be one of the better weekends of the marathon. We're watching Friday the 13th tonight, followed by Friday the 13th Part 2 tomorrow, and then The Haunting of Bly Manor on Sunday, which is really the centerpiece of the whole affair. The Haunting of Hill House was just amazing, so I'm hoping for a good time on Sunday!

Monsterland: Too Much Man, Too Little Monster

Anthologies are tricky things. I say this all the time about short story collections, and it's no less true when it comes to an anthology TV series. You really never know what you're going to get from episode to episode. Not every episode will connect with every viewer. Different tones between episodes can be jarring. Different writers and different directors all have different styles. That's especially true about the topic of today's blog, the new Hulu "horror" anthology Monsterland, which has no less than eight different directors (one per episode) and four different writers.

Monsterland is itself based on a short story anthology, written by Nathan Ballingrud. Each story takes place in a different city in the United States, and while I don't know about the book, the show is a mixed bag for sure. Some of the episodes are entertaining and some are decidedly less so. Across the board though, the show's biggest drawback is that it's very light on the actual monsters and very heavy-handed about the idea that people are the monsters. And I mean VERY heavy-handed. It gets a bit oppressive in some episodes to the point that I really, really wished there were less people and more monsters.

Personally, I enjoyed half of the episodes, all four of which were the ones written by Mary Laws, who also created the show for television. Her episodes felt like they stuck the greatest balance between man and monster. I don't know if I recommend the show as a whole, honestly, but I do recommend checking her episodes out; she wrote the first, third, sixth, and eighth, and the first and eighth in particular are really good, especially in how they bookend each other.

Overall, Monsterland is just like your typical anthology: a few hits, a few misses, and a few standouts. You may want to give the show a try, tis the season for monsters and all, but don't expect to be scared.

31 Days of Halloween

 

I've seen a lot of things floating around the interwebz lately about how Halloween is cancelled because of the pandemic, just like everything else has been in the last few months. Well, we here at SSTAS (the "we" being me, my wife, and our two cats, who are of course very invested in my success here, as we all know cats are never disinterested, aloof little bastards) have very strong feelings about Halloween in general, and even stronger feelings about the cancellation thereof:

Fuck. That.

We're going to go in the exact opposite direction of cancelling Halloween and do Halloween every day with 31 Days of Halloween! Thirty-one days of horror-themed programming, a movie a day, with some TV shows thrown in, to make sure Halloween gets its due this year. And I'm not talking about how some cable channels do it, where they show the same seven movies again and again all month long. No, we're doing thirty-one different programs. Don't believe me? See for yourself!

As you can see, there's a nice mix of everything in there, new movies premiering on various streaming services this month, a bunch of classics, a ridiculous comedy or two, a few binge-worthy new shows (highlighted in blue) and what are probably a few controversial choices too... I'm looking at you, Rob Zombie's Halloween movies!

Aside from luxuriating in horror to celebrate the glory of Halloween, another purpose of this is to broaden my wife's horizons when it comes to horror movies; she never really watched any growing up and hasn't seen really any of Freddy, Jason, Leatherface, and all their friends. I've done a good job in the almost seven years we've been together exposing her to more and more, but since she still tries to only let us watch horror flicks in the daytime with the curtains open wide, it's time to really do a deep dive with her. That's why we're starting off light and easy with Trick r' Treat, taking a break in the middle for what I'm sure will be the absolutely ridiculous Hubie Halloween, and then finishing up on Halloween itself with the Exorcist, a movie even I've been too afraid to watch for a long time. I'll probably write reviews up for the new shows and maybe the new movies and do weekly updates about how it's going, what my wife did or didn't like, how much sleep we're losing, things like that.

Of course, this isn't the extent of what we're watching. There's also Halloween Wars and Outrageous Pumpkins on the Food Channel, Eli Roth's History of Horror season 2 on AMC, and of course whatever various Walking Dead shows make it on the air this month, it's getting hard to keep track. And on Halloween after we watch the Exorcist bright and early (because even I won't watch that shit in the dark at night), we'll fill the rest of the day with various things like It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown and other Halloween themed TV episodes and stuff. And I'm sure we'll get to the alternates I have listed at the bottom of the calendar too. 

So that's our 31 Days of Halloween plan. Got any thoughts on the movies we'll be watching? Or even better, got anything you know YOU'LL be watching this Halloween? Let's talk about it!

P.S. It's been pointed out that the calendar pic above might not be the easiest to read on some devices, so just to make things easier, here's the planned movies and shows in list form:

Trick 'r Treat

The Prophecy

The Strangers

Monsterland

Stuff

The Lie (Welcome to the Blumhouse)

Books of Blood

Dawn of the Dead (2004)

Friday the 13th

Friday the 13th Part 2

Haunting of Bly Major

The Final Girls

Black Box (Welcome to the Blumhouse)

1408

Hubie Happen

Love and Monsters

Leprechaun

Helstrom

Nightmare on Elm Street

Evil Eye (Welcome to the Blumhouse)

Rebecca

Malevolent

Fright Night (2011)

The Amityville Horror (2005)

Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Emelie

Nocturne (Welcome to the Blumhouse)

Halloween (2007)

Halloween 2 (2009)

His House

The Exorcist

The 2015 Fall Season

Yep, it's that time of year again! TV shows are about to begin anew, and as always my crazy ass just sat here and created a spreadsheet listing all the shows I plan on watching this season, when they start, what time they're on, and on top of that a color-coded guide to what channel. Partly I do this because people seem to love it (if you look at the list of posts to the left there, you'll see that last year's installment is ranked on the top ten most popular posts I've done) and also partly because I'm getting old and between that and all the cumulative booze of my lifetime I just can't remember all this shit anymore.

Side note: I just noticed this is my 92nd post this year, which equals my total from last year, so I guess I'm well on my way to breaking my record number of posts in a year, which is 100. But that's a topic for another time.

Now it's time for what you're here to see!

You really should click to enlarge. Have mercy on your eyes.

One thing that jumps out right away? That's a lot of fucking television. 27 shows total, which is about 8 more than last year. But a few got left off the list last year that I remembered to include this year, and 9 of these shows are new ones: Into the Badlands, The Muppets, Supergirl, The Bastard Executioner, Scream Queens, Best Time Ever with Neil Patrick Harris, Limitless, Heroes Reborn, and Angel from Hell, so who knows how many of them will be sticking around, either because I hate them or the network does. Either way the schedule will probably clear up.

But then there are the mid-season replacements...

Anyway, as always now I'll turn it over to you, my scarcely existing readers! What are you watching? What should I be watching that I'm not? Hit the comments, let's talk about it.

Talkin' Television

I really don't spend that much time writing about television on here, do I? Which is weird, considering not only how much time I spent watching it but how much time I spend figuring out how I can spend time watching it between everything else I juggle. And yet, I love television just as much as books, movies, and comics. After all, just like the aforementioned, television is just a different medium for storytelling, and that is a craft I fell in love with a long time ago. So while things at worth are almost distressingly slow, why not take a few moments to talk about a few shows that have had their beginnings and endings in recent months, and see what sucked and what didn't.

What Sucked:

The Messengers. I admit, I was psyched about this new CW show, because it features things like angels and the Rapture, and that is a topic that has been all in my wheelhouse for a good two decades now. Imagine my disappointment when the first episode ended and absolutely nothing about it left any sort of impression with me. I couldn't remember character names or relationships or anything. And admittedly, my mind checked out a bit as soon as I saw JD Pardo, formerly of Revolution "fame" pop up. He's just awful. This was definitely a miss for the CW. But it's not all bad for them (and not just because I already watch six shows on that damn channel...)

What Didn't Suck:

iZombie. Proving that zombies aren't over yet, this show, a complete 180 from The Walking Dead, might be just as good in its own way. It's funny as hell, it's got a good cast that interacts well together, and, if you'll forgive the inherit puns, it's got brains and heart. And the lead, Rose McIver, is cute as all get out. If I wasn't at work, I'd look up a pic to post to prove it. The basic premise is that she's a zombie who works in the coroner's office and eats brains of murder victims, which gives her flashes of how they died so she can help her cop partner solve their case. Meanwhile, she tries to figure out how she became a zombie and just what is going on with the increasing amount of undead around. It's basically a mashup of Tru Calling, Veronica Mars, and Walking Dead, but better than two-thirds of its parts.

What Sucked:

Someday someone is going to look at the meteoric way this show's popularity and quality fell apart. It won't be me, though, I don't care enough anymore (although I do have some theories: the change in direction between the third and fourth season being one, and Cory Monteith's death being another), but I did watch the show from the beginning. At times it was great, at times it was awful, but it was almost always funny. The final episode, which was a ridiculous mix of flashbacks and flashforwards, was just stupid, and it took away from organic endings the characters deserved. Y'know, except for the ones they ignored completely. I was glad to see this show go.

What Didn't Suck:

Easily the best television adaption of a comic book ever. It was perfectly cast, from Matt Murdock right on down to Foggy Nelson, also known as Fulton Reed from the Mighty Ducks. Vincent D'Onofrio, however, bears singling out in his role as Wilson Fisk, who is just amazing. The realism the show shows in dealing with its plot, characters, and action, while still being a superhero show and embracing the things that come with it, is fantastic. It's no surprise that this was the lead off for Marvel's Netflix division, and that it's already been renewed for a second season. It's got me very excited for the rest of Marvel's Netflix plans.

I had initially planned for each of these to get their own entries, but I don't have that kind of time, and at this rate by the time I got to them it would be less than timely. I mean, Glee ended over a month ago. I'll try from this point on to be more on my TV game, but I'm not making any promises.

Besides, do any of you really care anyway?

The Newsroom Closes Its Doors

As long as it's taken me to write this (the show itself ended on December 14th), it's obvious I'm beyond behind on my writing. But there was no way in hell I was going to let the ending of one of the smartest shows of the last few years pass by without comment.

And yes, I said it was one of the smartest shows of the last few years, and I meant. Beyond all the controversy of things like Sorkin's depiction of women, which I think was mostly misunderstood, or the "rape episode," which, okay, even I can't really defend except to say we all mess up sometimes, this show was smart as hell. Which is no surprise, because it's Sorkin, and his writing has ALWAYS been intelligent, going all the way back to A Few Good Men. And it's always been snappy and funny, two qualities that were definitely in attendance here. Sorkin crafted a show that was, underneath it all, a smart, funny look at the lives and struggles of people who strive to do something noble: they strive to honestly and fairly educate the rest of us.

And yet, the show came under almost constant attack from detractors who brandished a laundry list of, in my opinion, absurd complaints. And my route to praising this show, in lieu of saying that the people who hated it just weren't smart enough to get it, will be to knock those criticisms down a little.

1.) The bumbling description of women. Yes, Sorkin wrote flawed characters. Yes, they fell in love and weren't all Miss Independent. Sorry folks, not every woman on TV can be the Scandal, Madam Secretary brand of superwoman. They're flawed. Like the rest of us. And not for nothing, but his men weren't exactly perfect either. Just look at all the ways James Tiberius Harper screwed up his relationships...

2.) The story lines meandered. So does life, but they always came back around.

3.) No newsroom is that idealistic. So let me ask, is the flaw that the show was too idealistic for reality, or that reality isn't idealistic enough? I mean, when did idealism become something to be derided instead of lauded, instead of strived for? The truth is, if more news shows were like News Night with Will McAvoy, I might actually watch the news more often.

4.) All it felt like the show was doing was chastising the modern news industry. Well, sure it was chastising the modern news industry. If you don't think that's an industry that needs to be chastised, your brain might not be connected to... well, anything. But beyond that, if you thought that's all this show was, if you didn't get that, more than anything, it was about people connecting and an utterly broken person fixing himself, I can't help you.

Because, underneath it all, the Newsroom was about Will McAvoy, played to perfection by Jeff Daniels, not trying to fix the world as it seemed from the show's brilliant, oft-replayed opening scene, but using that quest to civilize as a mask for the ways he was trying to fix what was broken about him. From his father issues to his disconnectedness to the people around him to how heartbroken he was over how things went wrong with the woman he loved, this show was his journey to heal himself. Along the way, we watched the lives of the rest of the characters grow: we watched Don and Sloan grow into an amazingly entertaining couple; we watched Mackenzie achieve everything she strove for; we watched Neal become a real newsman of the internet age; we watched Jim and Maggie finally grow together after three years of being stupid. The cast was topnotch, and they took Sorkin's legendary dialogue and positively owned it. And, most of all, we got to watch Sam Waterston play frequently-drunk news department president Charlie Skinner, one of my favorite characters of the last few years.

And he did it all while wearing a bow tie. Bow ties are cool.

I will miss the Newsroom. I could have watched this show for years and years, laughing and being touched the whole time, my thoughts being wonderfully provoked. But instead I'll settle for loving the twenty-five episodes we got. If this is, as he says, Aaron Sorkin's last foray into television, well, thanks for all the entertainment, sir.

And as one of Will's heroes would have said, good night, and good luck.

TV Roundup: Constantine, The Flash, Gotham, and Gracepoint

Now that the new shows I decided to try out this season have all gotten a good number of episodes under their belt, I figured it's a good time to throw my opinions about them out there (or that's just a rationalization for the laziness that has seen me putting off writing about each show separately for weeks now. Six of one, half dozen of the other, y'know how it goes... and hey, cut me some slack, it's not like I moved to a different state or suffered a death in the family or anything. Oh, wait, that's right...). But first, let's pour one out for the fifth new show I gave a try this year and wrote about already, and the only one that has so far been officially cancelled: Selfie.

How anybody could cancel anything that stars Karen Gillan, my beloved Amelia Pond, is beyond me, especially when the show is actually good, but whatever. Do you, ABC. Do you.

Must... resist urge... to post x-tra large size pic...

Now that that sad yet completely appetizing appetizer is out of the way, let's move on to the shows that brought us here. Or, to paraphrase the great Dusty Rhodes , let's dance with what brung us.

Now I know what you might have heard, but no, Constantine isn't cancelled just yet. Yes, NBC chose not to extend the first season past the initial thirteen-episode order, but that's because they premiered it so late in the season that they only had a chance to air four episodes before the deadline to extend passed. So yes, there was no extension, but that doesn't mean strong ratings won't see it renewed for a second season. And I'm hoping that's the case, because the show is solid. It tells good stories that are dark and supernatural, and are usually very surprising, and does it with a very good cast. Matt Ryan is perfect as John Constantine; he doesn't just look the part, he nails it. His associate Chas is played by the entertaining Charles Halford, who is a perfect straight man to John's con man. The weak link in the cast for me is the "apprentice," Zed, played by Angelica Celaya, who isn't that good. Her delivery is stilted and her emotions are overdone. In the pilot, before casting changes were made, the apprentice part was going to be a character named Liv, played by Lucy Griffiths, who is a better actress and, I can't lie, a personal favorite of mine going back to her days as Maid Marian on a BBC version of Robin Hood a few years ago.

This post is turning out to have more beautiful women in it than I had initially expected...

I'm hoping Constantine does beat the odds and get renewed, because I'm enjoying the hell out of it.

Once you get over the costume (which admittedly looks much better in motion than it does in any promotional stills), it's obvious that the producers of Arrow have created another strong show here. The stories are exciting, the back stories are engaging, and the cast is solid. And this is coming from a guy who generally hates Tom Cavanagh. It took a few episodes to find it's feet, but it certainly has now, and is off and running.

Okay. I hate myself a little for that line.

I've heard the complaints about Gotham. Of course I have. And honestly? Most of them are fair. The show did start out relying too much on foreshadowing. But to be fair, how could it not, given its premise? Also, the mob storyline, which is also the main storyline, is needlessly convoluted, but it gives us the playground that lets Robin Lord Taylor's Penguin shine, which is worth it, because he's one of the three highlights of the show. The other two are Benjamin Mackenzie as James Gordon, who I admittedly had my doubts about but who does a good job as an intense, gritty Gordon; and Donal Logue, who is as perfect as you'd expect as Gordon's corrupt but changing partner, Harvey Bullock. Their dynamic is easily the best part of the show, and it's easily worth ignoring the misadventures of young, emo Bruce Wayne if it means getting to enjoy the pair of them and the burgeoning Penguin.

There's no denying Gracepoint is a well-produced, finely-acted drama, possibly even the best one FOX has produced in years. I knew that right after I watched the first episode. And that isn't because of David Tennant, who I love, or despite Anna Gunn, who I hate. It's just true. It's just that good. I'm sure being adapted from an amazing BBC show helps, and there's the rub, friends: I watched that BBC show. I know what happens. And, unless they go off the rails, I know who the killer is. So in a season when I'm already watching just about twenty shows, why watch one whose central concept is a mystery that I already know the answer to? So I bailed on Gracepoint. When it ends I'll find someone to ask if it's the same killer as the BBC version. If it isn't, I can always go back and watch it fresh then. And if it is, I've lost nothing, and I can always go back and watch it in the off-season anyway. So I guess technically Gracepoint is the only one of the new shows I picked up this season that is getting dropped.

Of course, if things in my new domestic life keep going the way they have been, I'll just end up dropping all these shows for more things on the Food Network anyway.

Friggin' Alton...

The 2014 Fall Season

Once again, a new season of television is about to befall us, as networks refuse to get away from this archaic method of scheduling that is only used by literally only five channels out of hundreds out there. But since they still insist on doing it this way, I'm back with my yearly tradition of putting together a chart of what interests me this season, what channel it's on what night, and when it starts.

Also because I have a lot of free time on my hands. And also because I'm getting old and I honestly don't know if I can remember when some of this shit is on without this...

You should obviously click to enlarge...

A couple of thoughts on the schedule, as always. I'm starting out with twenty-one shows, one show less than last year's list. Of the twenty-two I started with last year, eight aren't present this year because of planned finales, cancellations, or me no longer giving a crap. There are six new shows on this year's list waiting to see if they make the cut: Gotham, The Flash, Constantine, Gracepoint, Intruders, and Selfie. The latter two, by the way, have already made the cut; I spoke about them both a little bit here. And yes, for you mathophiles out there, I know the numbers don't add up... the difference is that Glee is a mid-season replacement for its final season this year so it isn't on this list. I expect the new shows to all make the cut, given the subject matter and my predilections, but I guess we never know. The four of them I haven't already spoken about will get reviewed when the time comes.

Until then, let's have a chat! Did I miss anything? What are you guys looking forward to watching? Let's here it!

Catching Up With a TV Cavalcade!

So it's been three and a half months since I've written a blog about anything other than a movie or book review, and six and a half months since I've written one about television. This has been due to a plethora of reasons: first it was the ridiculous schedule I was working, then it was the distractions of the advancements of my movie-reviewing projects, then it was the ongoing situation of my grandmother still in the hospital, and now it's the fact that if I don't find a job soon I won't need to worry about sticking to a diet because I flat-out won't be able to afford any food (seriously, my financial situation is bad. I need a job. Nowish. So if you know of any, e-mail me. Text Me. Smokescreens. Whatever. You get the point.) But if you think I haven't been watching television in all that time just because I haven't been writing about it, you've gone crazy crackers. I've been watching. And keeping notes. I've got sixteen(!) different subjects from the last six months to hit on.

It's a veritable TV Cavalcade!

But a short cavalcade because, y'know, sixteen topics, I'm obviously not gonna say much about them all, right? So it's like a pellet cavalcade. Or something.

Leave me alone, I'm tired.

Let's start with some replacement shows from last season I never got around to...

I watched the entire season and for the most part I enjoyed it. The cast was solid, and the whole non-zombie living dead people was an interesting mystery... that they did absolutely nothing with except drop some vague hints. I don't like mysteries that go nowhere towards a resolution, that just get worse and worse. I've been burned before, so I'm on the fence about coming back for season two of this one.

I dropped this one as soon as I realized it was the exact same show as Touch but without Kiefer Sutherland. And from the looks of how fast it got canned, I wasn't the only one.

I really wanted to like this CW version of the Lord of the Flies set on a post-apocalyptic Earth. While obviously not breaking any new ground from the description, the pilot was well done and I liked the cast. But when I went back for the second episode, I realized I just didn't care at all, so I dropped it.

Now let's move on to a few events...

I was. Oh holy hell was I ever. And that's why, despite being a season filled with some awesome moments (that fight between the Mountain and the Viper, for example) there was one hands down greatest moment of the season:

Speaking of events, HIMYM ended!

After a final season that was almost good enough to make up for how bad the show had gotten in recent years, we got a finale that undid the entire final season. Wonderful. A whole season takes place at Barney and Robin's wedding, only to have them divorce in the finale so she can end up with Ted because that's what the whole show was about the entire time. Ted and Robin. And the Mother just dies off-screen, an afterthought in a show that teased fans about how for years. Someone should have told the writers that teasing is only fun if there's a release at the end. Otherwise, it's just blue balls. And they, like the HIMYM finale, are awful.

And speaking of awful finales...

Using this picture because LaLa, hookers.

After multiple seasons of how much Sookie hates Bill and wants nothing to do with him and loves other guys, the entire finale is about how she loves him too much to kill him, until she decides she loves herself enough to kill him because he wanted her to have a normal life and not love a vampire. Which she may or may not do anyway, because in a half-assed epilogue she's got a bear full of TruBlood and a new man who's face we never see, so is he a vampire or not? Who knows. But it was a completely boring crapfest of an ending, from start to finish. The only highlights were Pam doing what she does best, and Hoyt being back. There was barely any Lafayette, and that, above anything else, was unacceptable.

Revolution ended too, by the way, but it ended as it lived: with nobody giving a crap except those of us hate-watching the fuck out of it. Good riddance.

Now, how about some premieres and finales all rolled into one?

Boy, was I glad to see that ticking clock back. I always loved 24, and it was awesome having Jack Bauer back and doing his thing again. Yes, the show was formulaic, from the plot twists every third of the season to the inevitable good guy traitor to the reveal of the real big bad, and yes, we saw almost all of it coming. But it was still a fun as hell thrill ride. My only complaint is that, as always, it had one hell of a depressing ending. Damn it, Chloe!

I wanted to like this a lot more than I did. It had vampires, demons, werewolves, Frankensteins
(no, the plural is not a typo), Dorian Gray, a werewolf, and Timothy fucking Dalton all combined in interesting ways. Add that to a whole lot of violence and sex and beautiful women (although I have to admit I'm actually tired of seeing Eva Green naked at this point, bitch can never just keep her kit on anymore) and you've got the recipe of a great show. And I watched it start to finish and it interested me about as much as it also bored me. But I'm still on board for season two, so they must be doing something right.

And now for some decidedly less happy notes.

I watched the first season, and it was alright. And then I read the book and was so annoyed by the changes the show had made that it was fucking dropped before the second season even started. It was awful by comparison, and I wasn't about to suffer through that nonsense.

I might be one of the only people in the world who enjoyed the movie Legion, of which this show is a spin-off, so I was very excited to give the show a try. It's a post-apocalyptic story about a war on Earth between angels for the fate of mankind, the kind of story anyone who knows me will tell you is right up my alley and has been for about twenty years now. Sure, the movie wasn't great, but it had a decent cast, decent acting, and decent special effects. The TV show, sadly, as none of that. The cast sucks and the show was boring as hell. Even Anthony Stewart Head, for whom my love knows no bounds, was awful because they had him using an American accent that was about as much an assault on the senses as anything I can imagine. Plus, it's on the damn SyFy channel. Ugh. I dropped it after one episode.

I tried with this one. I really did. It has a solid cast, an interesting premise, and is a really well-produced show from top to bottom. I gave it four episodes but then I just couldn't do it anymore. It isn't that the mystery wasn't going anywhere; I get that the show was less about the mystery than it was about how people lived after what happened, and as much as not knowing the answers vexes me, I could live with that. The problem was that the show was just too damn depressing! I might give it another chance when it's all over and I can binge watch it, depending on the reviews it gets as a whole season, but for now, I just can't.

But it's not all bad, there's been some TV out there I've been enjoying!

And I ain't the least bit ashamed to admit it, either. Yeah, it's the Disney channel, so it isn't exactly advanced, thought-provoking programming or anything, but it's cute and funny and as a huge Boy Meets World fan, I just love seeing Cory and Topanga again. And the kids are pretty talented as a cast, too. Yes, the plots are often rehashes of old BMW plots, but who cares? Not the point. The only problem is, it needs more original cast cameos! So far all we've gotten is a quick Feeny sighting and an appearance by Minkus, of all people. I need Shawn and Eric and the rest of the Matthews and, above all, more Feeny, dammit. Feeeeeeeny!

This vampire series is weird as fuck, which is no surprise considering the involvement of Guillermo Del Toro. The cast, with the exception of David Bradley and Kevin Durand, is kind of weak, but the story and effects make up for it. I've read the trilogy it's based on and I know it has a fairly unique take on vampires going for it and it goes in some interesting directions, and I'm enjoying watching it play out on the screen. So far, FX is getting it right with this one.

Speaking of weird shows, this one is on top of the list. We're two episodes in and all I can tell you about the plot is that it has something to do with dead people taking over living people's bodies, but I'm not sure how yet and if they're ghosts or what the hell is going on. it's got a superb cast, though, which is no surprise considering it's from the BBC. The acting is topnotch so far and it's got me hooked. And before you ask, yes, there's a Doctor Who connection.

And the mention of Doctor Who brings me right to the last topic in the cavalcade...

Yes, that's Doctor Who's Amelia Pond, the lovely Karen Gillan. The pilot of her new ABC comedy, Selfie, premiered early. It's an update of My Fair Lady, with Karen playing Eliza Dooley, an absolutely absurd character obsessed with just about every form of social media possible and living the kind of life we'd expect that sort of vapid twit to live. After an incident that ruins her image completely, she goes to John Cho's Henry (no last name given yet) to rebrand her and basically make her into a better person. The results are hysterical. Aside from being funny with natural jokes, the show even rhymes a bunch, which I love. And as for the stars, the two of them have great chemistry together, and Gillan in particular is as good as she's been in everything else so far. Cho's straight man act is a great counter to her vapidness. But, no disrespect to Cho, Gillan is the real star here. She's got a great presence, great delivery and timing, and yes, elephant in the room, it doesn't at all hurt that she looks like this:

Selfie is the first show of the new season I've seen and the first one that's definitely added to my watch list. As the new season draws near my TV blogging presence will increase. Coming up possibly as soon as tomorrow will be my annual grid of all the shows I plan on watching, and as new shows premier hopefully I'll have some in-depth posts about what's good and what isn't. Until then...

I dunno, go watch some reruns or something.

I need a catchphrase.

Crossing Off Star-Crossed

I haven't done the math or anything but I feel pretty safe in the assumption that Romeo and Juliet is probably the single most-adapted story ever written. It seems like every few years there's a new version out in one medium or another (or in the case of 2013, two new versions in two mediums: a movie and a Broadway show). I've seen the argument made that they should just stop adapting the story, that it doesn't need to be retold and that the original story/play/movie versions stand the test of time. And I think this is 100% true, but I still think new versions should be made because the youth of today aren't interested in yesterday's versions and might not get the story without new versions being made for them, as in the case of the teenage girls in the theater when I went to see the new movie version who were shocked Juliet didn't wake up in time to stop Romeo from killing himself.

Seriously, what the fuck are they teaching kids in school these days?

That being said, new versions only have merit if they're any good, and while the new movie was passable, I was hoping for a little more from Star-Crossed, the new CW show about seven alien kids being integrated into a human school in order to learn each others' ways and hopefully make relations better between humans and the aliens, called Atrians, who came to Earth after being forced to leave their own planet and now live in areas now better than prison slums overseen by humans. It's clearly a Romeo-Juliet set-up, with the lead characters having met as children and being reunited in the school, pulled in different ways by their factions; the alien boy's father is one of the leading aliens and the human girl's father is one of the high-ranking humans in charge of controlling the alien slums or whatever. The aliens, by the way, seem to have weird tattoo-shaped birthmarks and two hearts, an add-on that annoyed the hell out of me because they sure as hell aren't Time Lords...

I partly had hopes for the show because I tend to be a fan of the CW (Supernatural, Arrow, The Vampire Diaries, and The Originals are all part of my rotation, so I know what to expect from the CW) and because three alumni from Friday Night Lights, one of my favorite shows full of talented young actors, star in it (having watched the show last night made it a real FNL day for me, having also watched the hysterical FNL reunion of Crucifictorious on the Parenthood webisode you can see here).

Imagine my disappointment then when the show wasn't very good at all. It's generic and full of all the tropes TV loves these days: flashbacks, voice-over narration, over-filtered lighting, an awful emo soundtrack, bad CGI, and worse acting. Most of the cast is lifeless and there isn't much chemistry to speak off. With one exception, you can see the plot twists coming, but even the one you can't ends up being an over-used trait of, of all things, the recent crop of vampire shows. The show was a mess, and by the time a really hideous emo cover of Age of Aquarius started playing over the show's final montage that included the "momentous" death of a character (I say "momentous" because despite the import that event will have on the show's conflict, the character had about two minutes of screen time and very little characterization so why would anyone give a crap?), the whole affair was laughable.

My only hope for anything good coming out of this show is that maybe parents and teachers might see kids getting into it and use that as a way to get them to read the source material. A lofty hope, I know, but as the Bard himself wrote, "the miserable have no other medicine but only hope."

True Detective

If you're one of the eight or so readers who follow my blog with any sort of regularity, you'll know that one of the things I do when a new TV show that interests me starts up is that I'll watch it and then share my feelings about it, It's taken me three episodes to get around to doing so for HBO's new show True Detective. Partly that's because I've had time constraints and pesky computer problems, and partly that's because my thoughts on the show, much like the murder case going on in the show, are muddled. There's one thing I can say with certainty, though:

It's damn sure not TV. It's HBO.

True Detective belongs right in the middle of this delightful Venn Diagram.

The quality of True Detective is what we've all come to expect from an HBO show, especially a drama, and then some. Each episode feels like a movie in terms of the beauty and care with which it's shot and directed. It feels like each frame is painstakingly planned and everything means something. Likewise, the writing is brilliant. It's witty and deeply philosophical and again, it feels like everything means something. But none of that would mean a thing if not for the cast and some of the best acting currently on television on display in every episode.

No, it certainly wasn't.

If you had told me a few years ago I'd one day be associating Matthew McConaughey with the idea of being an amazing actor, I'd have died laughing. But recently, that's exactly what he's become, and I'm not even talking about his latest films. In this show alone he is absolutely riveting. His Detective Rust Cohle is cold and aloof and perhaps a little insane, but the shit he says and does and the absolute stoicism he says and does it with is brilliant. And while it's true he's getting all the praise right now, I think his performance is elevated by the job Woody Harrelson does as his partner, Detective Martin Hart. Marty's relationship with Rust is hilarious; it's built on a simmering, barely-there tolerance for Rust's nihilist, pessimist observations and the looks that Harrelson shoots McConaughey to go along with his one-liners and pleas to just shut up are fantastic.

So I've praised the acting, writing, and direction. Effluent praise, one might say. Why then, did I say my thoughts on the show are muddled?

As much as I enjoy the above aspects of the show, I'm not sure I like the show itself. Everything about it feels slow to me. The pacing and plot developments of a murder mystery within a mystery and the way it's all structured are unfolding in such a way that I find my attention drifting for much of the show, only refocusing when something big... or just loud... happens.

It's entirely possible my attention also refocuses whenever Alexandra Daddario is on screen. I mean... damn.

I have a suspicion, however, that all the slowness is leading to a brilliant explosion of pace that will make the wait worth it, so I'm willing to go along for the ride. And while I wait, there's plenty of great acting to enjoy. So check out True Detective if you haven't already, I think you'll enjoy it. And even if you don't... well, there are only eight episodes, so what do you have to lose?

Better Late Than Never TV Reviews

Here's a blog I've been meaning to write for like a month now but have never gotten around to. Between the occasional work assignment, a newish relationship, and my all-around laziness and desire to just read and watch movies and stuff, well, I never found the time. So it's a little less than timely but still needs to be done as it wraps up my coverage of the mostly disappointing 2013 Fall TV season in terms of new shows. I've got three new ones to go through, and two of them quite frankly suck.

Atlantis comes to us from our friends at the BBC and is the story of Jason, Hercules, and Pythagoras (yeah, the mathematician) on the titular island. Except, this Jason isn't the Jason you're thinking of, it's a kid from the present who somehow ends up back in time after trying to find his missing dad. And this Hercules isn't some great, intimidating strongman, it's the fat king from the first season of Game of Thrones. And the third member of this triangle is Pythagoras (I hope you get the joke I just made...). The production value is much worse than you'd expect from the BBC and, well, let's just say I'll stick with Doctor Who. How this show is getting a second season is beyond me.

I was hyped for this series because I'm a big fan of Frank Darabont and I really liked the cast, so I was pretty saddened by the fact that the first two episodes of this event miniseries bored me to tears. Part of that is that, with a few exceptions, I've never been a big fan of the crime noir genre, and this show was clearly created as a love letter to that genre so it would be one hell of an uphill battle to really get me to like it. And while I know all too well some motherfucker's always trying to ice skate up a hill, for once that motherfucker ain't going to be me, and I passed on this show just like I passed on Atlantis.

There's a reason I chose the above poster for this show over all the other ones Fox's promo machine churned out. On its merits, Almost Human isn't all that special. It's not the first "man with machine partner" cop drama ever. It's not the first "future science" drama either (nor is it even the first from these creators, as this is from the same team that gave us the wonderful Fringe). No, on the surface, Almost Human isn't breaking any ground, but it is a fun little show, and that would be enough to make it worth watching, but it's two stars elevate it to another level. Karl Urban excels, as always, at being a growling curmudgeon. I would seriously watch him in just about anything. And Michael Ealy is just as good next to him. His robotic Dorian strikes a great balance between the efficiency of a machine and the soul of a human as he strives to be more than the sum of his parts. Yeah, sorry, I just couldn't resist that line. And when you add the fact that the stunning Minka Kelly is part of the cast...

...and the fact that they keep her lines to a minimum so her bad acting can't detract from the joy of looking at her or any of the other joys the show provides, well, Almost Human is definitely a winner.

So that brings my reviews of all the new shows the 2013 Fall Season provided to a close. Out of all the ones I gave a shot to, the only ones I actually added to my list are Sleepy Hollow, Almost Human, Marvel's Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D., and The Originals (I'm also still watching Dracula but I'm not counting that because I really am just hate-watching the shit out of that to see how absurdly awful it gets). Anyone else out there want to share what new shows they loved or hated this season? Let's hear 'em!

5 Favorite Doctor Who "Oh, the Feels" Moments: Countdown to the 50th Anniversary 1...

The Doctor Who 50th Anniversary Special is a scant nine days away now, and I figured what better day for me to drop the last installment of my special countdown series than on the day after the premiere of the special prequel minisode, "Night of the Doctor," right? So far, this series has seen me countdown my five favorite stand-alone episodes, my five favorite two-parters, and my three favorite specials. This final installment is all about the feels; any Whovian knows ours is a show full of feels, some of them happy but most of them almost devastatingly sad. This, then is a look at the five moments in NuWho history that have given me the most feels. And yes, there will be spoilers.

5. Eleven and Amy Take Vincent Van Gogh Into the Future to See His Legacy (Vincent and the Doctor, Series 5)

The Doctor, left, and Van Gogh, right

After befriending him in an adventure involving an invisible monster, The Eleventh Doctor and his companion Amy Pond take Van Gogh to a modern day retrospective of his art where the painter learns just how great his place in history is. It's a particularly touching moment to me as Van Gogh is easily my favorite painter, and it's a beautiful scene. It's also the only happy moment on my list, so i thought I'd start you off easy. Enjoy this moment, because here comes the rough stuff.

4. Ten Says Goodbye to Rose (Doomsday, Series 2)
I could describe what happens in this episode and tell you about the Daleks and the Cybermen and alternate dimensions and all that. Or I could tell you about how the end of it all sees the Doctor saying goodbye to the woman he's loved... or I could just let a picture say what a thousand words couldn't.

3. He Will Knock Four Times (The End of Time Part 2, 2010 New Year's Special)
Sometime during the course of the fourth season, the Tenth Doctor receives a prophecy of his death, that "he will knock four times" and that whoever this mysterious "he" is, his knocks will precede the Doctor's demise. Immediately after that prophecy, every knock is suspect. Nowhere is this more evident than in the Christmas 2009/New Year's 2010 two-part finale of David Tennant's run, where the return of the Master heralds the four drumbeats he always hears. Are those the four knocks? Or are the four knocks the beating of Rassilon's staff as the Time Lords return? No, they are not. The Doctor triumphs over everything and believes he has survived, until...

 

...Wilf knocks from the chamber he's locked in, a chamber he can only be released from by the Doctor's final sacrifice. Every time I watch this episode, even knowing what's going to happen, Ten's face hits me in the gut. This moment, which includes his farewell tour to all his loved ones, would be even higher on the list if not for the weakass final line they give him: "I don't want to go." You deserved better than that, Ten.

2. Goodbye, Sweetie (The Name of the Doctor, Series 7)

The Doctor and River Song. A love story told across two timelines travelling in different directions. It was a moment we always knew would come: River was always heading towards her death in her first appearance, but the sudden knowledge that between her last appearance in "The Angels Take Manhattan" and this episode, River passed away hits like a sucker punch to the nuts. But it gets worse! She's only in this episode because the Doctor has refused to say goodbye to her so her consciousness is lingering like a ghost until he says goodbye. Which he does with a final kiss, and even though River tells him they'll meet again, we know it will be from earlier in her timeline and for the Doctor, his wife is dead. River's final words to him are the mirror image of the greeting she's so famous for... goodbye, sweetie.

1. Raggedy Man, Goodbye! (The Angels Take Manhattan, Series 7)

You know what? I can barely even think about this episode and what I could possibly write about it without getting misty. So I'm not going to write about it. You can just watch. And for once, I'm not going to follow up with words, either. Because I can't. Oh, the feels.