The Horrible State of Horror Movies

Fear is universal. There's no such thing as a man without fear, despite the bill of goods Daredevil tries to sell us. That's why so many people enjoy horror movies; they give us a safe way to give in to that fear, to get that adrenaline rush. It's why we love them as kids, despite all the nightmares and sleepless nights, and despite the fact that we'd spend half as much time watching them from behind the sofa as we did on the sofa, to paraphrase a popular decades-old British expression (thank you, Doctor Who fans).

Think Doctor Who isn't scary? The Silents will fuck your shit up.

I'll be honest, I hated horror movies when I was little. I never wanted to watch them. With the overactive imagination I've always had, a horror movie was a recipe for disaster that would result in me awake for nights, flinching and jumping at every single sound and shadow, and full of nightmares whenever I did fall asleep. However, as I've grown older over the last decade or so, I've missed that feeling, and am always on the lookout for a good horror movie that will keep me up at night instead of fading from my consciousness twenty minutes after I leave the theater. Let's be honest, though. Today, good horror movies are hard to find. I don't just say that because I'm older and harder to scare, because honestly, I can be a twitchy bitch sometimes and there are witnesses who will attest to that. There is just a dearth of quality horror being made, and I've come up with a few reasons why that I'll present for you now in countdown form... because who doesn't love a countdown?

5.) 3-D. Just stop. Not just horror movies, for that matter, but all movies. Sure, some 3-D movies are good, and deserve to be in 3-D. But mostly? Stop trying to distract us from the fact that you made a shitty movie by making us wear glasses and look at bright things flying at our face and giving us a headache. It's bad enough we just sat through your shitty movie, we don't need to go home with physical pain on top of it.

4.) Found Footage. Here's another practice that just needs to stop. From restricted camera angles to shaky shots, cameras pointed at the floor as people run, ridiculous jump cuts and edits, it's all awful. I mean, the first Paranormal Activity might have been good if it was shot like a real movie. I could go on, but instead I'll give you this link to a list of "found footage" movies and let you count up how many of them are actually good. By my count, there are maybe four good ones, out of the sixty-five or so listed. Just stop. Make a real movie.

3.) PG-13. Maybe it's just me, but very few horror movies work when put under PG-13 restrictions. Not necessarily because of lack of gore or nudity, but for language. If you have a movie where people are being stalked, possessed, tortured, killed, etc., and there can only be one instance of the f-bomb in the script, the film suffers for that because it hurts the realism. People curse, and under the circumstances listed above, the f-bomb is going to get dropped more often plates at a Jewish wedding. There are, of course, exceptions to this rule, but I feel the saying applies more often than not: go hard or go home.

2.) Remakes. You know what isn't scary? Something I've seen before. And since most remakes suck, let me ask you another question: you know what really isn't scary? A watered-down version of something I've seen before. I'm not going to name any names, so in order to provide an example, I'll borrow a move from Archie Bunker's playbook and just look at the offending party and whistle...

Toodle-le-fucking-dee.

Again, there are exceptions to the rule; I thought the Friday the 13th remake was watchable but not scary, and I really enjoyed the first of Rob Zombie's Halloween remakes and the Texas Chainsaw Massacre remake that starred Jessica Biel, but for the most part, you want to scare me? Show me something new, like a girl coming out of the TV that's three feet away from me to kill me.

1.) An Over-Reliance on Gore. Yes, gore can be entertaining and unsettling and, when done right, can certainly add to a horror movie. But it can never be what makes a horror movie great. Want an example? Look at the Saw franchise. Sure, the first movie had some gore in it, but it also had a tight, interesting plot and was filled with tension that existed outside the gore. With each sequel, the traps and gore took more and more importance over plot and each movie became progressively worse. Torture-porn does not equate to horror. Relatable things are scary. The commonplace being made uncommon is scary. That's why, for example, the original Nightmare on Elm Street worked so well; being stalked and killed in our dreams works because we all dream. Everyone needs to sleep sometime. The Ring worked because we all watch movies, we all have televisions. A movie like the recent My Soul To Take doesn't work because we don't all have shards of a killer's soul split between us and everyone else in our town born on the same day as us... yeah, that was stupid. A lot of horror lies in psychology, in the aforementioned relatable circumstances, in tension and shocks and unexpected imagery.

I disliked Insidious. There was sleeplessness.

A perfect example of what I'm talking about is The Exorcist, possibly the scariest movie ever. If you were brought up religious and believe in God and the Devil and things like that, that movie will resonate with you like nothing else. Today's horror filmmakers could learn a lot from the Exorcist.

Just please don't remake it with a PG-13 rating in 3-D.

The Ultimate Nerd Guide to NYC

Found on the internet, The Ultimate Nerd Guide to New York City. Click the link beloew to check it out, it's all kinds of awesome, especially if you're a New Yorker like me.

 

That's the main image, but the link below also includes a Google map version which is even better, and a link to an actual Google map page with the sites inserted for an extra does of realism. It's must-see stuff.

http://www.buzzfeed.com/expresident/the-ultimate-nerd-guide-to-new-york-city

Fiction Fridays - Untitled Magic Story Part 4

We're back to our regularly scheduled story snippet post this week, with a whole eighteen minutes to spare before Friday is over. It's a little short today because of some stressful stuff that took place today, but I was determined to continue the story at least a little bit. The previous part of this story can be found here (as well as links to the previous installments). Happy reading... or something.

I briefly thought about another light spell, but with the situation I was in, I’d need whatever pitiful strength I had left. Besides, I knew what the Corridors looked like; I had seen them from the outside more times than I could count. Endless hallways and turns and dead ends for miles and miles, a private hell in a magic pocket dimension controlled by the Covenant. Nothing to see here. Instead I headed down the right-hand hallway, randomly choosing it over the left-hand hallway, groping my way in darkness. And while I doubted it, there was a chance the darkness was hindering whoever had put me here.

The first sign I was wrong was the roaring flames that suddenly sprung to life around me. A fireball spell. I could feel the heat even through my jacket, which had just had it’s water-enchantment restored. Without that enchantment, I’d have been dead instantly. Still, the enchantment wouldn’t last long. I broke into a run and escaped the fire, some of the flames and heat still clinging to me, finally winking out seconds before the enchantment faded. Under my breath I thanked whatever was listening for the small favor of letting me keep my eyebrows; an expression of permanent surprise wouldn’t do my love life any favors… if I could get out of the Corridors alive, of course.

The fact that the enchantment on my jacket shielded me meant I was up against a magistrate. A fireball from the elementalist member of the Covenant would have cooked me alive instantly. Small comfort, though; magistrates never did anything without an explicit order from their masters. I was screwed to death either way you looked at it… and as a door of light materialized in front of me, I figured it was as good a time as any to bend over and get ready to take it…

An American Haunting and a Halloween Request for Help

Before I get into the meat of this blog, I want to mention something. I had intended to write a blog all about the premiere of American Horror Story on FX last night, but honestly, I have no idea what to say. I love the cast, especially Dylan McDermott and the always awesome Connie Britton (seriously, has she ever been in anything that wasn't awesome? The Brothers McMullen, Spin City, The West Wing, 24, Friday Night Lights... okay, we won't hold the awful Nightmare on Elm Street remake against her, it isn't her fault it sucked. Plus, she's beautiful).

What Lindsay Lohan could have grown into, before the cocaine diet,

bad dye jobs, and ugly lesbians.

Basically, the premise of the show is thus, and be warned, spoilers ahead: a family dealing with a whole lot of drama move into a haunted house and a whole punch of freaky shit happens; seriously, there's a creepy retarded child, dead twins, a guy with half his face burned off, a homicidal kid (maybe? He might not be a kid, it hurt my head), a creepy toothy old ghost-thing in the basement, a gimp suit, a sometimes-old/sometimes-hot dead (again, maybe? Ow, more pain), and a gimp suit. Oh, and Jessica Lange.

This really happened. Okay, not the "10-4 good buddy" part. But the rest really happened.

It seriously creeped me the hell out, and I can't wait to watch the next episode. Okay, maybe I really did know what to say after all.

Anyway, to the point of this blog. Most people know I love Halloween. A lot. I've already got my costume picked out for this year even though I don't know what I'll be doing or where I'll be wearing it. One thing I want to do this year is keep up a tradition I started last year, wherein I have a marathon spending the day only watching things with a Halloween theme. So, last year I watched the movies Halloween and Halloween II (the new Rob Zombie versions), Trick'r'Treat, and Idle Hands, as well as the three Halloween episodes of Buffy the Vampire Slayer, the one Halloween episode of Angel, and, of course, It's the Great Pumpkin, Charlie Brown. So I want to do the same thing this year with as few repeats as possible... although admittedly Trick'r'Treat and Charlie Brown will get repeated just for sheer awesomeness. The only thing I know for sure I want to add right now is Garfield's Halloween Adventure. I always loved the hell out of that cartoon.

"Halloween is my middle name. Garhalloweenfield."

So what I need is suggestions for things to watch. Bear in mind, I don't want random horror movies, I want things specifically with Halloween themes. And don't take the easy way out and just say watch all the original Halloween movies! I want a variety, and I know I have a lot of creative friends. Give me ideas! Go!

House, Home, and Homeland

Yeah, I admit, I have a weakness for cheesy blog titles, but trust me, it fits! Got three different topics to touch on today (alright, maybe four, we know I do go on sometimes...), so let's dive right in.

First up is House. Dr. House, that is. House has been one of my favorite shows for years now, and it started it's eighth season last night. Admittedly, last season went off the rails a little bit; between House being drug-free for most of the season and then dating Cuddy, a lot of it wasn't that entertaining. But after he got dumped, relapsed, and drove a car through Cuddy's wall in the finale, last night's episode focused on House in prison. None of the other cast members, just him, locked up with mass murderers and skinheads who he owed drugs to. Oh, yeah, and Urkel.

He didn't actually look like that, but you get the point.

Focusing the show back directly on House rejuvenated it a bit while also showing again that despite just how majorly screwed up he is, saving a patient's life comes first. Yes, he did have a patient in prison. No, that part didn't make that much sense, but the rest of it was good enough that I was willing to ignore it. The episode ended with him in solitary confinement because he caused a minor riot; next week sees him being temporarily released (which we know will become permanent) under supervision to help his old team save someone's life. Should be interesting.

Next is a quick, more serious update on home, or more accurately, my home life. My grandfather went into the hospital on Sunday due to an inability to breathe and was diagnosed with pneumonia and has been there since. They've said he's doing better and he might come home tomorrow; with this being his second trip to the hospital in under three months and just seeing the way he is everyday, even if he gets over the pneumonia I don't think he'll be around too much longer. I'm not one for prayer or any of that stuff, but if you believe it helps and feel like saying one or two for him, I'd appreciate it.

And that brings us to Homeland, a new show that premiered Sunday night on Showtime after Dexter (which was as awesome as usual, by the way). I had never actually heard of Homeland before Saturday night when I saw a promo for it and said, "What the hell, looks interesting." Boy, was I right. It centers around Sergeant Nicholas Brody, a Marine who was kept in a cave as a POW in Iraq for eight years before finally being found and returned home, and Carrie Anderson, a CIA agent who thinks Brody might have been turned by the terrorists and is now working against America. Claire Danes, by the way, is fabulous as Anderson, who is also completely batshit nuts. At one point, to get out of trouble, she tries to seduce the agent who trained her, played by the always awesome Mandy Patinkin. Sidenote, Mandy Patinkin will never be as awesome as he was when he played Rube on Dead Like Me, another Showtime original.

Rube took his breakfasts very seriously, Peanut.

The show touches on things like how Brody gets reacquainted with his family, including his daughter, his son who was too young when he got shipped overseas to remember him, and his wife, who in the interim started sleeping with his best friend because she thought Brody was dead. Mainly, though, it's about Anderson's quest for the truth: is Brody a traitor? The premier was really gripping, and for me it's become the best new show of the season.

Speaking of new shows, it was announced today that NBC cancelled The Playboy Club, making it the first cancellation of the season. I called it here two weeks ago. Am I good or what?

Super Punch: Art inspired by Neil Gaiman's American Gods

Found this in my internet travels and since a bunch of my friends and I all love American Gods by the amazingly talented Neil Gaiman, I just had to share it. Check out the link for some cool artistic interpretations of one of my favorite books, and here's an example to get you started.

Super Punch: Art inspired by Neil Gaiman's American Gods

Fiction Fridays - A Day Late and a Story Short

Yes, I know. It's Saturday. I was prevented from doing any sort of writing for a Fiction Friday post yesterday by a scorching hangover, and again today by events out of my control that I'd rather not dwell on. So while there won't be any new fiction posted by me until next Friday, I didn't want to just skip this week. Instead, I'm posting a glimpse of the planning I do behind the scenes for the ridiculous story ideas that come into my head.

Click to enlarge

The above is the beginnings of a color-coded family tree for the royal family from a story about an elven kingdom I started writing last year. Only six of the thirteen characters listed above actually appear in the story; the reason I had to do something like this (other than the fact that I enjoy it) is that one of the key story elements is a prophecy that concerns events that befall three separate generations of families... so honestly, I have to go back even further. Eventually I'll get around to posting parts of what exists of that story so far, I'm just delayed by the fact that it was all hand-written over two different notepads and I've just never been in the mood to type it up. It'll happen someday. Until then, enjoy this little peek, and there will be more fiction next Friday, I promise.