Use the Force... Jesus?

Yeah, that's right. It's a Star Wars post. Considering the big honkin' stormtrooper up there, you had to know one was coming sooner or later, although this probably won't be quite what anyone expected. See, in my boredom two weekends ago, I decided to watch the entirety of Star Wars from start to finish (and to head off the inevitable question, in this case that means Episode I to Episode VI), and I came upon a startling realization.

Darth Vader is a lot like Jesus.

Yes, that Jesus*.

How did I come to that conclusion? That's what I'm here to explain; and, as an extra bonus, we'll also see if Jesus is better than Darth Vader or not. Anyone reading this who knows me probably also knows I like Vader quite a bit more than I do Jesus, but I promise to do my best to be impartial.

The comparisons for these two begin before birth. Both of their comings were prophesied, Jesus' by a bunch of old Jewish men, and Vader's by, well, that part is never clarified. Considering "old Jewish men" is better than "unknown," but not by much, Jesus gets the point. While still on the pre-birth topic, both were conceived without an actual father; Jesus by the Holy Spirit, and Vader by the Force. I'm calling that a tie, so it's 2-1 in favor of JC.

In childhood, they both had fairly humble beginnings: young Anakin was a slave who fixed droids, and Jesus was a young carpenter who occasionally told off his religion teachers. That's not too impressive, I told off my religion teachers quite frequently, too. So, Darth ties it up here. Darth gets the next point, too; while Jesus began his life's work by being dunked into a lake by John the Baptist, Anakin was brought before the Jedi Council by Qui-Gon Jinn and trained by Obi-Wan. Jedi beats crazy old forest-wanderer who got beheaded. 3-2, Vader.

How about powers? Vader could force-choke, use telekinesis, and pretty much just feel stuff, which is all kinds of vague. Jesus healed, raised people from the dead, created food, and, most importantly, made sure there was always booze around at weddings; he wins for that last one alone, so we're all tied up again. What else do they have in common? For one thing, they both had followers. Jesus had his apostles, who, y'know, couldn't stay awake when he needed them to, and Vader had his stormtroopers, who couldn't hit anything with guns, TIE fighters, or AT-AT's. Both seem equally useless; however, when Jesus was gone, the apostles kept a church running, while after Vader, the stormtroopers lost an entire Intergalactic Empire. I guess Jesus was a better talent scout, so he goes ahead, 4-3. Speaking of followers, each were betrayed. Judas sold Jesus out, and Anakin Skywalker was betrayed by Obi-Wan Kenobi, except he wasn't, since he was the one who went evil, so really, he did the betraying, right? I guess Jesus gets this one too; except, well, if everything is according to God's plan, then so was Judas' betrayal, so if it was according to plan, it wasn't really a betrayal, was it? Screw it, I'm calling this one a wash, nobody gets a point.

Speaking of Anakin going all evil, they both dealt with temptation. Anakin lost his battle with it and fell to the Dark Side (although, he did it to save his piece o' ass, Natalie Portman, so you can't really blame him). Jesus was tempted by the Devil himself in the middle of a fast in the desert, and still said no. Pretty obvious who wins this one, huh? Jesus is ahead, 5-3.

Damn, Jesus is doing better than I expected. I don't like that. Impartiality sucks!

What else do they have in common? How about the big, dramatic 2-point story arc of death and resurrection? Jesus was killed by old Jewish men, went to Hell and redeemed man's sins, came back from the dead, appeared to his followers, and ascended to Heaven. Anakin Skywalker was hacked to pieces by Obi-Wan, descended into the hell that was life stuck in the Vader suit, redeemed his sin and balanced the Force when he killed the Emperor, was reborn as Anakin, and became one with the Force. Who gets the edge here? Vader. Why? C'mon, becoming Darth Vader is way more awesome than going to Hell! There's a point for Darth for that; he also gets a point for cooler "murderer" in Obi-Wan. So we're all tied up at 5. This calls for a tiebreaker!

And the tiebreaker category is... progeny! Jesus allegedly had none. Vader fathered the great hero Luke Skywalker, so he gets a point for that. Then again, he also fathered the annoying bitch-goddess that is Princess Leia (side-note: I saw a midnight show of Revenge of the Sith the day it came out; when Luke was born at the end, everyone cheered. When Leia was born, it was one big, universal boo.) , so he loses a point for that, and we're tied at 5 again.

New tiebreaker... lovelife! Jesus didn't have any progeny because he rolled with hookers who were willing to bathe his feet and whatnot, and he wasn't hittin' any of them. Anakin, on the other hand, was hilting his lightsaber in Natalie Portman, so he gets the point.

And with that, Darth Vader wins 6-5, and is better than Jesus.

See, I was totally impartial the entire time...

*That is, of course, if you believe any of that Jesus stuff happened. We here at Shootin' Straighter Than A Stormtrooper haven't come down one way or the other yet.


  1. I wouldn't rule out Jesus giving out beard-rides, if you know what I'm saying, and since you're a Mets fan, you most certainly do know a facial-hair-cunnilingus gag (that last one was bad choice of words, I know) when you see one.

    I'm going to disagree with your second tiebreaker on the grounds that rolling with hookers is indicative of gettin' some. If you were writing the story of the Savior, what eventually becomes known as the Gospel, wouldn't you clean it up a little? It doesn't look good when the great redeemer sixty-nines a whore, so those tidbits get left on the cutting room floor.

    I also disagree with your second tiebreaker on the basis that you refuse to call Natalie Portman by the name of Padme Amidala.

    To that end, I see this as a Major League Baseball All-Star Game: tie score!

  2. Jesus wishes he had a 'stache as cool as Keith's.

    So, if it's a tie, when Star Wars plays the Bible in the World Series, who gets home field advantage?

  3. Best of 700 coin flips to decide.

  4. It's pretty obvious who gets home field advantage! God of course. He created the Heavens and Earth!

    BTW, I enjoyed this witty article!

  5. I guess that makes God the American League, huh? That explains how he's such a jerk.

  6. Nick, if it took 700 coin flips, it could still end up in a tie. ex. 350-350. lol


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